What it wasn't...

These large birds, [cranes] who fly great distances across continents, have three remarkable qualities. First, they rotate leadership. No one bird stays out in front all the time. Second, they choose leaders who can handle turbulence. And then, all during the time one bird is leading, the rest are honking their affirmation . That's not a bad model for the church. Certainly we need leaders who can handle turbulence and who are aware that leadership ought to be shared. But most of all, we need a church where we are all honking encouragement.
-Bruce Larson

STILL

Ah, this week sends me yet again into reflection.  I'm going to celebrate my 15th sobriety birthday here in a few days.  15 years without a drink or drug.  Getting clean at 19 was tricky, as you might imagine, but I wanted it, I still want it.  And while I could blog about my story, what got me there, and how I made it through the last 15 years...I'd rather not.  Instead, I am focused on the future.  By the grace of God, I'm clean...STILL, and to Him goes every ounce of the glory.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for my blessings.

All I can say, is presently I'm in the process of shedding the old baggage, guilt, shame and hurt, STILL.  You might think when you get clean, that poof, everything is all better.  The reality there, is there are reasons that you used...and hurt yourself.  Those reasons do not magically go away.  They are there, because your family, your past, your circumstances, do not change.  It's you that must change.  ...And so, I've changed and continue to change--all for the better.  I quit smoking in 2003.  I then turned to food...yet another addiction.  My romance with food has grown into an all out lurid affair...until I felt and looked awful, and something had to give.  I've lost 21.5 pounds as of last Friday.  I STILL have lots to go, but I'm doing this.  It's time to live my life without the guilt, and the hurt inflicted by myself and others.  It's time to enjoy the blessings of our business, and my great husband and kids.  I'm not allowing the pain to rule my emotions anymore, and I feel good.  I am a very happy person, and really for the most part have been for 15 years.  But, the inability to let go of the past, and present personal hurts, was eating my soul--and in turn, I was eating everything in sight.  STILL another vice to grapple with taming.  So, 15 years of "one-day-at-a-time" has worked and I am clean STILL.  Now I am deciding to give up my addiction to shame, and letting others shame me.  Shame was the needle, and food was the heroin inside, and I "shot up" way too often.  This may not make sense to alot of people, or maybe you are struggling yourself, I don't know.  It always seemed others had it all figured out, way ahead of me.  The reality is, we all have hurts and family baggage, it's just how you choose to cope.  I now know if I cannot find a healthy way to cope, I will do something subconsciously destructive to myself.  Knowing this, I am choosing peace and really re-learning a new way to look at food.  It's difficult.  But after 50+ days of shedding fat, emotions emerge...and I want this weight loss, STILL.  You realize why you got fat, why you smoked, why you used...and it hurts, STILL.   I always thought I was overweight because I just loved food and was a foodie.  I was hiding, afraid to succeed, afraid to not self-soothe with something.  I feel better today, than I have in years, maybe ever?
I am married to a wonderful man, STILL.
Jesus loves me, STILL.
I am clean, STILL.
...and I'm going to be a smaller, better version of Sarah...because I actually deserve it.  I've come a long way.

{David is taking me to to a Foo Fighters concert in Little Rock, AR for my sobriety birthday, I have so much to celebrate.  Can't wait!}

Anyway

 Do It Anyway

People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,

people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,

you will win some false friends and true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you;

Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them ANYWAY.

Her Beauty

When your child's heart hurts, so does yours.  Period.  Without going into great detail, my Maya-girl has had a rough week and we have done lots of talking, I have done lots of consoling, and she's been mopey and bummed.  I remember 9th grade...no fun.  My lovely step-daughter is so great, most of the time not seeing how amazing she is, I just wish she could have her 30+ year old self, give advice to (almost) 15 year-old Maya; ah, the wisdom she would have.  My s-kids have never seen my blog (and am wanting to keep it that way ;), so I'm praying for Maya's heart, and I hope you will too. I heard this song today, that reminded me of sweet Maya's beauty and just wanted to post...for anyone that might be having a rough time.  "You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His."

Beautiful, by Mercy Me


The days will come when you don't have the strength 
When all you hear is you're not worth anything 
Wondering if you ever could be loved 
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much 


You're beautiful 
You're beautiful 
You are made so much more than all of this 
You're beautiful 
You're beautiful 
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His 
You're beautiful 


I'm praying that you have the heart to find 
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight 
For all the lies you've held inside so long 
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross 


You're beautiful 
You're beautiful 
You are made so much more than all of this 
You're beautiful 
You're beautiful 
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His 
You're beautiful 


Before you ever took a breath 
Long before the world began 
Of all the wonders He possessed 
There was one more precious 
Of all the earth and skys above 
You're the one He madly loves 
Enough to die 
You're beautiful 
You're beautiful 
In His eyes 


You're beautiful 
You were meant for so much more than all of this 
You're beautiful 
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His 
You're beautiful 
You're beautiful 
You're meant for so much more than all of this 
You're beautiful 
You're beautiful 
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

On My Way~Shedding the Old

My father and mother may abandon me, but the LORD will take care of me.
Psalm 27:10

The Wisdom to know the DIfference

Many people spend their whole lives pursuing what other people have concluded happiness is, or what the media has told them that happiness is, or what companies that sell things have advertised happiness to be. Our mission should be to break those lies and to find our true happiness. Then, we won't end up working hard all our lives to accomplish things that never bring true happiness...
-Sharon Janis


 How do you define happiness, and how has that changed since your 20's, since your expectations in life didn't meet up with your circumstances?  Today I am grateful, happy, blessed, amazed and humbled to be living the life I've been granted.  God hand-picked me for this life I'm living.  Through prayer, knowing  I'm exactly where I'm meant to be for now is very calming.  True happiness comes for me when I LIVE the Serenity Prayer and apply it to my life and surrender to it.  


God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

April 25

Having been a targeted victim of parental alienation, as well as my poor kids as "targets" along with my husband, it's wonderful that there is now National recognition of this type of abuse.  Educating ourselves on this issue has really brought to light so much, and given way to much understanding for the children and how they cope.  Praying for all victims out there, as well as the perpetrators.  Hope everyone will join me on April 25th!  Thank you in advance--hugs!


http://www.familyalienation.org/

Yummy stuff this week

I made a smoothie from the above ingredients today, and while it may seem hodge-podgely thrown together (and it was), it was mighty tasty and healthy!  David and I kept seeing these catchy, artistically done commercials for this yogurt that was talking about "plainly plain" and "samely same"...you may have seen them?  The commercial just made me want to try it. Ah, the genius of marketing...

Well, this Greek yogurt is pronounced [Fah-hey] Fage, and it's the best yogurt I've ever tasted.  I even made Mr. Coleman (who loathes yogurt), try it, and he agreed, creamy goodness.  So I blended all the stuff together, green stems and all on the strawberries, because I heard they were chock-fulla nutrients and it was DELICIOUS!  The Acai juice I can barely choke down by itself (just not a fan of the taste, but love the anti-oxidants), but the light version blended with all these yummy ingredients was super great.  Just thought I'd share.  I never really cared about healthy ingredients a day in my life, but in my old age, am learning it's time to take care of  'ol Sarah...and 'ol David too. ;)

Track list and album art is here...Cannot wait!

Tracklist:

1. Home Is A Fire
2. Codes And Keys
3. Some Boys
4. Doors Unlocked And Open
5. You Are A Tourist
6. Unobstructed Views
7. Monday Morning
8. Portable Television
9. Underneath The Sycamore
10. St Peter’s Cathedral
11. Stay Young, Go Dancing

oops

Dear friends,

I quickly threw together a playlist that I liked for my blog yesterday, and I didn't actually listen to all the songs I added.  To my dismay today, I came to my blog and there was a REALLY explicit version of a song on my playlist...oops.  Very sorry.  My bad, all is fixed now. ;)

Back to the Future~Great Scott!

Sometimes you stumble on things worth sharing...this is so great, love it!
~Beware, there is a very small amount of adult content on this link...
Click here to go BACK TO THE FUTURE!

My New Favorite Product

Since kicking soda over a month ago, it's been a shock to the system to just drink water, tea, and coffee. The biggest part of kicking soda was getting rid of the diet products, we loved diet pop! I refuse to use artificial sweeteners anymore, not even Splenda. I've read too much and decided that there's too many bad risks for our family with buying these products. What's interesting after doing my homework on the web, is that Truvia, made from Stevia leaf and it's extracts is tasty and all natural. The sweetener companies pumping out aspartame and sucralose aren't jazzed about us all getting on the Stevia bandwagon because it costs them too much to produce en masse. Truvia, Sun Crystals and Stevia, are now my low-cal sweeteners of choice. I started buying bottled water and adding these Crystal Light Pure Fitness drink mixes to my water. It contains a mixture of Truvia and cane sugar. It's 30 calories per packet (a packet is enough for a 16.9 oz water) and aids hydration through electrolytes. Tasty, not too sweet, and a nice way to sweeten up my water! To throw out a timely quote from Charlie, "Winning!!"

For the SMoms...Couldn't have said it better myself

~~~What every step-mom should know!!~~~~Click Me!

Commonality by way of grace

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, 
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he
harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve 
or repay us according to our
iniquities. For as high as
the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him;
as far as the east is from the west, 
so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for He knows how we are formed, He
remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:8-14

There is nothing that any of these people have in common, except for one thing.  Did you figure it out?  That one and only thing that bonds us all eternally.  Jesus loves all of us, every single last one.  The good, the bad, old, young, rich, poor, disabled, famous, infamous, even the evil.  Not one of us, regardless of our sin, is loved more than the other.  Sometimes it's easy to think that our God loves us more than our enemies, but the truth is, He adores my enemy just as much as He adores me.  --Hard to swallow at times.  All of our sin is the same in His eyes.  So while we judge with law, and righteously so, He continues to love us ALL as His own.  That is hard for me to wrap my brain around.  He loves the unloveable, the murderers, and adulterers.  He loves the unwanted, the weak, the hurting, the addicted, the disabled.  ALL of us, gay, straight, happy, sad, Republican, Democrat, Jewish, Muslim, or Christian.  He created every last single one of us, and has NEVER left our sides.  He hates our sin, but loves us, and His grace paid that price.  The next time you are at a crowded place, look around.  Jesus loves each and all those people, just as He loves you.  Can you believe that?  So knowing that he Loves us all more than we can fathom, don't we want to tell others about His love for them?  So many people just don't know, or believe.  What can I do, what can you do, to make a difference and win people to His love for them?  I'm still pondering the answer to that question.  I'm prayerful, and hopeful for a clear answer and a place to find it.
I will sing of the LORD's great love forever; with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. I will declare that your love stands firm forever, that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself. Psalm 89:1-2

The first quarter

Ah, what a new year it's been already.  We have been blessed to be able to travel on our WeDJ cruise for photographers and DJ's to Mexico and the Keys, and then attended WPPI in Las Vegas all in the last month!  What a blast it's all been!  We have seen alot, learned alot, and are refreshed for another year.  These were basically our vacations, even though photo-related.  GOOD TIMES!

As life passes, 24 hours at a time, I find myself examining what really makes me feel alive, where my passion lies, and what I am learning.  What I know and understand now, today, February 28, 2011 that I didn't know at this time last year, that I didn't know 6 months, ago...or even 6 weeks ago, are ever-evolving.  Here are just a few.

1. I really am becoming more introverted over time.  I was always an extreme extrovert, and still am at times, but have taken on a more passive role in many situations.  It's growth, I believe.  Sometimes it benefits you to sit back and listen, not speak, and take it all in, rather than open your mouth seeking approval, validation, or understanding.  Many times it's just not worth it.  Knowing when to shut up, is every bit as valuable as knowing when to speak. (yes, I am just now learning this.)

2. Rarely do I feel more alive, than when I travel.  I have a lust to see things, to experience things, to appreciate all that has been placed on this earth, good or bad.  Travel awakens my soul, and allows me to acknowledge my smallness in this world, while seeing sights that make my eyes fill with wonder.  It's a time to reprogram ourselves from the normal, and look at culture, where it's been and where it's going.  Utterly fascinating.

3.  When your heart is broken, the healing takes a toll on you, but in time you WILL heal.  It is ok to allow yourself to forget the hurt, no guilt befalls you when you have exhausted all your options of forgiveness, and turn the brokenness over to the the Healer.  When you have been made to feel guilt and shame all your life, and have been freed from that hold, you can then, truly live.

4. Doing something for others gives me more satisfaction than anything I could possibly ever do for myself.  While everyone loves to pamper themselves with the occasional pedicure, and "just for me" time, there is something so satisfying about serving the less fortunate.  I at first, loved the "warm fuzzy" this gave me, but later realized what I was doing was so pleasing to Jesus, probably more than anything else I could ever do.  That feeling of spiritual satisfaction I crave, and is addicting.  Knowing Jesus loves my actions is a peace that is indescribable.

5.  People treat you differently when you are overweight, than when you aren't.  I have been on both sides of this, it's really true.  A great litmus test of who is legit in your life, and who isn't.

6.  I am not in control, of anything, except my own reactions, attitudes, thought processes, and actions.  Everything else, is beyond my control.  This can either cause me great distress if I allow it to, or I can allow the joy of powerlessness to wash over me.  It's a choice.  Some days are better than others with this.  It's the ultimate test in faith, and I fail miserably alot of the time.  Thankfully, God is always there to pick up the pieces or let me fall on my face to learn from it.  Either way, He's there.

7. People that are not really listening when you speak, usually do not really care about you or your life, do not waste your breath.  It's futile.  They consequently, will expect you to listen to them.  Listen and nod.  Listen and nod. ;)  Then smile, deep breath.

.

8.  Not everyone is where you are, and you aren't always where they are spiritually.  Don't beat yourself up over this fact.  We are all on a journey to walk with Christ, some are closer to the destination than others.  What's important is that we are patient with each other on this path, and don't get a case of "road rage".  The Beatitudes are really great to help me remember this.

9.  If you have the ability to help someone or listen, do it.  Easy enough, it takes us all out of "self" for a bit.  Loving others makes them feel special.  In a world where we are all searching for the next thing to make us feel good about ourselves, truly a little kindness goes a long way.  The best thing you can do for a friend is give them your time.  Give them a call and ask how they are.  Genuineness is felt in the heart.

10. Never judge someone by their Facebook posts or text messages.  So much context and intonation can be lost in translation through our typed words.  A real conversation is the only true way to know someone.  I'm guessing the next generation will have some type of media revolt called "kill your Facebook" for this very reason.  At some point, people will get tired of the shallow interactions of social media; I predict people will crave real relationships.  (I have yet to tire of it, don't get me wrong ;) -ha. 

 

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day came and went this year, and most likely it will be one of the more memorable ones.  The kids were with us this time, and so I wanted to do something that we would all enjoy.  I found us an overly wholesome flick that romanticized in kiddy terms Romeo and Juliet (which Maya happens to be reading right now in English)...into Gnomeo and Juliet.  Ok so this movie sucked, and wasn't funny in the least, and actually was so boring and kiddish, that I got an insane case of the giggles watching Maya get pissy and huffy at how insanely dumb it was.  Noah and I sat there dumbfounded just saying to each other, "this is SO bad"....and my Valentine, David, fell asleep.  So I laughed until I was sick and looked like a complete lunatic to whoever got the pleasure of sitting behind my Valentine's band of grumps and kooks.  We got up and left halfway through the seemingly appropriate V-day movie, and came home and looked for something festive to watch on Netflix; Noah suggested My Bloody Valentine.  If we couldn't make the gnomes work, a little scary stuff might be fun.  This movie, from 1985 ,was completely inappropriate and we then had to turn it off.  After going through several more movies we ended up turning off, we landed upon a Swedish claymation called Pingo, a penguin that grunted his words (stupid yet hilarious--cue eye rolling from Maya, which sent me back into the giggles), and then ended our rockin' Valentine's Day with introducing the children to some old School Rainbow Brite...wow was that a trip...like literally a bad acid flashback.  LAME.  Very lame. 

Here's the deal, though, even though it was completely lame, I had a blast and so did they.  We laughed at the calamity of going to see the nerdy gnomes (that Maya had warned us we were going to regret) that was positively terrible and the misfortune of every bad movie ever made on Netflix.  The simplicity of just being together and laughing our faces off, trying to find something to entertain us then became entertaining.  When we are all together just laughing and acting silly, I remember my mom, and how she loved to act silly with me.  I am so grateful for my funny little family, we are total dorks, but we are the coolest dorks ever...lol. 

David and I have shared so many great Valentine's Days together.  This was our 10th, and I didn't know it, but he did.  He gave me 10 roses at the end of the night when we went to bed, all with special events in our lives attached to them with little strips of paper.  I had to put them in chronological order, and then gave me the 11th rose to grow on, and make more memories between now and next Valentine's Day.  Such a cool guy.  God had such a great plan cut out for me with him; Just love it.  There's been lots of great Valentine's Days, like the year David dressed up like a knight and brought me flowers and candy to work, or the year he made me an arrangment that included my favorite perfume, or the year he took me to a fancy restuarant (Gilardi's) when we really couldn't afford it and it was quite a treat.  This year was special in it's own way with the kiddos.  Sometimes trying too hard to make things perfect, actually backfires, what's important is it was still "just perfect".  I love my family. 

I am a little curious to see if the gnomes offed themselves in the end, though...lol. ;)

 

 

Sent from Sarah's iPhone

I didn't have the guts

I read someones blog today that offended me.  In the bigger scheme of things does it really matter, nah, not really.  But it struck a chord with me because they wrote things that were from a pious Christian perspective, and have obviously not experienced a lot of trials.  They didn't grow up with parents that DIDN'T pray...they didn't have an alcoholic father, or a workaholic mother in denial, they didn't have family dysfunction.  I didn't have the guts to tell them how naive they sound because I don't want to offend them, or tell them how judgmental they came off.  In fact, I'm quite sure they are clueless as to how ridiculous they appear to the rest of us that haven't lived a perfect life.  The topic they were addressing is one that is near and dear to my family and lots of families, one this person knows nothing about, and has even less business trying to blog about.  They are just an acquaintance, and most likely will stay that way, but the larger picture here is that this person is my sibling in Christ, and they are misguided and out of line.  They see a very small projection of what they have been told about the world, perhaps from being sheltered and afraid of it most of their lives?  When Christians offend other Christians, we forgive them, we pray for them, and that's that.  But again, when we look at a more global picture, how does this person portray our belief in Christ to those that don't yet know him?  I'll tell you how, as a judgmental so and so, that likes to talk (or blog) to feel superior.  How can some be so clueless and vain in their quest for righteousness?  

I get tired of some Christians passing judgment on things they know nothing about.  It's really easy to condemn others, if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  I wish we could all be so sweet and simple and demure.  Life isn't always cut and dried.  Jesus loves us all the same, thank goodness for that.  People mess up,divorce, lie, gossip, cheat, steal, hate, condemn, hurt others, use drugs, live promiscuous lives, PEOPLE SIN.  Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.  Maybe some are better served listening to others stories, passing less judgment, and truly serving our Lord in some capacity.  Understanding is the key to learning, and loving.  I don't see alot of this.  In our small sheltered communities in Missouri I see lots of rebuking and correcting, and very little rolling up the shirt sleeves and actually serving and just shutting up.  Everyone loves to voice their opinions, including me.  So this is mine: hate the sin, not the sinner.  Realize that God knows our hearts, hurts and pasts...and forgives us ALL.  Loves us ALL, and most of ALL wants us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.  Could this be any simpler, or more complicated?

John 8:1-11
but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them.3 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst 4 they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. 5 Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6 This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. 7 And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9 But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. 10 Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”


It's humbling.  All I have to do is read that passage and KNOW in my heart that Jesus loves me more than I can ever imagine.  He loves me through my sin, He died for me and that sin.  Nothing else matters.  That story is impossible to misinterpret, yet some forget it's significance.  

They suck.

Parents think about their children day and night, even
when they are grown. Parents love their children in a way that they will never
understand. Parents will be there for their children when no one else will.
Parents would take a bullet, stand in front of a train, and ask God to take them
instead of their child. If you have a child or children that you love as much as
I love mine, post this as your status!

This was a post today on a friend of mine's facebook status...I was thinking about how David loves the children, how I love them, how my friends love their kiddos...unconditionally.  I guess I lucked out with the narcissists for parents that have no comprehension of this whole concept.  It's just a little maddening.  How as a parent do you completely disregard your instincts?  My parents would rather push me in front of a train, and collect the insurance money, because you know $$ is the only thing that matters...what is wrong with this picture???  Be there for me, no matter what?  You are joking, right?  Ok...done with this negative rant for the day.  Just a thought, now letting it go...on to more positive endeavors.

Sand in my Toes

This last week I stood with my feet in the sand, letting the waves wash over them, I had a thought.  Everytime the waves crashed in, it washed my feet anew or they sunk further into the sand.  Usually I stepped out and let the wave wash over them, that sinking feeling isn't comfortable. Isn't that life?  You let the waves either sink you further in, or your step out and let the wave wash you clean.  One thing is certain, the waves never cease.  Christ inpires me in the smallest moments.  It's usually not momentous for me, just the little stuff that makes an impact.  I'm at a spiritual crossroads right now, not sure what to do.  Just praying for some guidance and something to challenge me to continue to grow in Christ.  Right now I'm comfortable and semi-content...and knowing there's more out there...it's time for some fresh change and decision making.  It's so easy to just stay put.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand...

I love that kid.

b.l.o.g.

I have really had a hard time lately focusing and trying to make one blog entry, I think of ideas, thoughts, topics, and so on, lately that I just wanna get down through my fingers to the keyboard, but they just jumble into more important tasks, or get put on the back-burner.  I have 7 drafts started right now...needless to say, am lacking blog focus.  I have little (ok not so little, but they will always be in my mind) munchkins that are coming home here soon after being gone for a week, and I like to give them my undivided attention when they walk in the door, so this will be short.  Just an admission that my blogging abilities of late, pretty much suck. I'll be back soon...maybe 34 years of age will bring me some focus.  Here's Noah...time to visit!

Happy 2011

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. Use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. Be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge sink in and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love."
~unknown 

Merry Christmas

When we focus on what we have, instead of what we don't, we become grateful and filled with joy.  That is my wish for everyone this Christmas Eve.  Peace, joy, and gratitude.  The birth of a baby boy fulfilled it all.  Jesus is the ultimate Christmas gift.  This Christmas I am praying for those that don't know our King to find Him and worship Him.  For those that do know Him, but have forgotten His promises, renewal.  Merry Christmas to all, safe travels, and warm, generous hearts for a new 2011.

love to all,
Sarah

Redefining Christmas

Christmas time is here...happiness and cheer.  I find myself this year redefining Christmas at 33 years of age, and well, it's really a trip.  I always have had a nature to please people...to be everything to everyone, all my life.  This is unrealistic.  I know.  It's no secret now, that I haven't had a relationship with my parents or any of my family in over a year.  It's been a really hard year for me, honestly.  Just ask my friends and husband.  However, nothing compares to 2008 finding out that David had a huge tumor growing from his outer hip bone and the waiting, nail biting, to find out if it was malignant, or benign.  His surgery was December 17th that year, and it was a long painful recovery, in which he still worked, building our business, shooting 38 weddings and many sessions, in alot of pain.  I look back on that, and am amazed at how we all held it together, because I was terrified, and so was he.  Because God has been so very good to the Colemans, it was benign.  During that trying time, I learned to lean on my favorite scripture, which I quote often, to all that it can help.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

The perfect word of Christ did bring me that peace that "transcends all understanding" during the end of 2008, but this last year, I have not had that peace.  It escaped me.  I tried to pray, and was still mad.  I was so filled with anger, hurt, and upset; processing such a jumbled mess of emotions that ranged from sad to mad, and back again.  I had been abandoned by those that supposedly loved me unconditionally and I couldn't believe it.  I still can't, really.  I have grieved it all, as you might have seen in previous entries here.  Just in the last 2 months am I embracing life and this season, without my family.  The holidays bring thoughts of memories, nostalgia, good times with family.  I'm just holding on to those.  They were good, so I will leave them in my memory as such.  Some weren't at all good.  I'm letting those go.  I am coming to allow myself to enjoy the holidays this year, without my family.  Last year, honestly, I did not.  I was miserable and sad.  This year I am embracing the joy of the present with Maya and Noah, with David, with our friends.  I doubt things with my family will ever change, so that meant, I had to change.  Roll with the punches, they say, right?  So having done that, here I am, December 2nd...allowing myself to get excited about Christmas, listening to Christmas music without crying, looking forward to what my life and those that have chosen to be in it will bring.  I am not out to please anyone anymore in my family for Christmas, it's feeling quite nice.  *sigh of relief*  I just get to be me, unpretentious me, enjoying the holidays in a new way.  It's funny how we adapt and change with age and circumstances thrust upon us.  In that comes growth, and I am growing, learning, and loving this time.  I have much to be grateful for, it's time to live, love and laugh for Christmas!   True family is who we make it.

Here are my top 20 things I have to be thankful for this Christmas:

20. Church on Christmas Eve with acapella Christmas carols, candles, and the peace that comes with that special night

19. Mistletoe because I like to catch sweet kisses underneath it now and then from Mr. Coleman
18. White Christmases, with pretty sparkly lights shining through the snow
17. The spirit of giving to one another, the pure joy of watching someone open something you were excited to give them
16. Grace that allows people to be just a little kinder during the Holidays...well, most people. ;)  Peace on Earth and good will towards men
15. Hot chocolate with a candy cane haging off the side...and lotsa marshmallows
14. Baking and icing sugar cookies with the kids and David
13. Christmas music that allows me to get lost in the Season
12. My nativity that keeps me focused on the real reason we celebrate Christmas.
11. My Christmas tree and all the keepsake ornaments on it that remind me of the last 9 years of our togetherness as a family
10.Sobriety and the miracles that exist because of it
09. Love--because it exists, I am whole
08. My home, my refuge, my shelter - it's where my heart is ;)
07. A lucrative business that allows us to be comfortable and give to others
06.The good health of all I hold dear
05. My dearest friends who accept me flaws and all, as I accept them.  I don't just like them, I love them
04. The joyful little funny dogs that melt my heart, Tatoes and Frankie
03. 2 children I love with all my heart like my own, but are not mine, Maya and Noah
02.The gift of marriage to my best friend and soulmate, David
01. The birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ

Merry Christmas,
Sarah