I was thinking of my grandpa that passed away in April of 1996 this morning. His name was Pete Peterson, his real first name was Alfred, but all that loved him called him Pete...I knew him as Grandpa Pete. I was remembering his laugh, his kindness, and his unconditional love for his family. He was a good man, he didn't have a college education, he used poor grammar, he had outlandish political views, he was a hard worker, and the BEST grandpa. He used to take me fishing and we would have the greatest time catching crappie and perch on minnows. He had silly pet names for me, I was "Inky Boober" and "his little doll", he made me feel so loved. He picked me up most days when I was in elementary school, we would grab a DQ dip cone after school or a dilly-bar, and not tell grandma....because she might have been mad that he "spoiled" my dinner and I wouldn't have an appetite later; that was always our little secret ;) He would sit me on his lap when I was little and sing me goofy songs. This was my favorite:
THERE'S A PLACE IN HAWAII
THAT IS VERY DEAR TO ME
I AM HOMESICK AS CAN BE
WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY PLEA?
I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA HAWAII
I WANT TO BE WITH ALL THE KANES AND WAHINES THAT I KNEW LONG AGO
I CAN HEAR OLD GUITARS A-PLAYING
ON THE BEACH AT HO'ONAUNAU
I CAN HEAR THE HAWAIIANS SAYING
"KOMO MAI NO KAUA IKA HALE WELAKAHAO"
IT WON'T BE LONG 'TIL MY SHIP WILL BE SAILING BACK TO KONA
A GRAND OLD PLACE THAT'S ALWAYS FAIR TO SEE.
I'M JUST A LITTLE HAWAIIAN AND A HOMESICK ISLAND BOY,
I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY FISH AND POI,
I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA, HAWAII
WHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BY...
WHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BY
He loved all the silly sounding Hawaiian words in this song and sang them with vigor and glee. I remember the good. I was blessed to have known him, out of all people in my family, his memories are among the very fondest that bring a smile to my face.
It made me think, how will I be remembered? Full of glee? Will Maya and Noah remember my kindness and giggly moments? I sure hope so, because those times are so precious. Sometimes I hear the laughter we are all sharing, whether in the car, at home or elsewhere, and I thank God for it. Laughter cures all, it's the best medicine, and it's quite possibly my favorite thing to do.
Everyone just wants someone to make them feel special, my grandpa made me feel special. He made me feel loved. I can only hope to strive to be the same kind of person, because in the end of our time on earth, that's really all there is....just those simple memories left for our loved ones, and I pray for the best ones for mine, and can't wait to make more. Grandpa Pete's legacy reminds me what an impact that kindess and some giggles really can make. He's in heaven singing my favorite "Little Grass Shack" song and catching crappie like mad. :)
Often the only thing a child can remember about an adult in later years, when he or she is grown, is whether or not that person was kind.
~Billy Graham
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
By Definition
Word of the day:
HYPOCRITE:
hyp·o·crite Pronunciation: \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\ Function: noun Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai Date: 13th century 1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion 2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.
We are all guilty of this. Noone is without blame. Some are more humble than others, some are more outspoken about their radical religiousity than others...and some fall short of who they claim they are. Sometimes that is startling. Sometimes that brings forth confusion to people. We are all sinners and have all fallen short of God's glory. Some of us never claimed to be anything other than a lousy sinner striving to see God's precious face....and some peope have claimed their way is best thing since 'sliced bread'. It's sad when people we look up to spiritually, fail us. Here is what the Bible says:
“Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
Matthew 7:5
The most important thing I think to remember, is man is just mere man. And even though we may have spiritual leaders and friends that fail us, God alone holds our salvation, God alone is to be revered. No particular expectations can be placed on a person that claims to be religious, for they are sinners too, all faith must be in God alone. There are always going to be those people that really slip under our radar and deceive us into thinking they are something they are not.
'My thoughts are completely different from yours,’ says the Lord. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine . . . my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts’ Isaiah 55:8–9
I am guilty. I am not blameless, nor will I ever claim to be, I am a sinner and so are you. I love God, and want to do His will. I pray for this. That's it and that's all. I am not better than you. You are not better than me. Until we can acknowledge our own shortcomings and sin, and parts we have played in our own mistakes, no real spiritual growth is ever possible. ....And that part isn't Biblical, but I have learned that from my own experience.
Faith is not a storm cellar to which men and women can flee for refuge from the storms of life. It is, instead, an inner force that gives them the strength to face those storms and their consequences with serenity of spirit.
~Sam J. Ervin, Jr.
...and that my friends, is THE END.
HYPOCRITE:
hyp·o·crite Pronunciation: \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\ Function: noun Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai Date: 13th century 1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion 2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings.
We are all guilty of this. Noone is without blame. Some are more humble than others, some are more outspoken about their radical religiousity than others...and some fall short of who they claim they are. Sometimes that is startling. Sometimes that brings forth confusion to people. We are all sinners and have all fallen short of God's glory. Some of us never claimed to be anything other than a lousy sinner striving to see God's precious face....and some peope have claimed their way is best thing since 'sliced bread'. It's sad when people we look up to spiritually, fail us. Here is what the Bible says:
“Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
Matthew 7:5
The most important thing I think to remember, is man is just mere man. And even though we may have spiritual leaders and friends that fail us, God alone holds our salvation, God alone is to be revered. No particular expectations can be placed on a person that claims to be religious, for they are sinners too, all faith must be in God alone. There are always going to be those people that really slip under our radar and deceive us into thinking they are something they are not.
'My thoughts are completely different from yours,’ says the Lord. ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine . . . my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts’ Isaiah 55:8–9
I am guilty. I am not blameless, nor will I ever claim to be, I am a sinner and so are you. I love God, and want to do His will. I pray for this. That's it and that's all. I am not better than you. You are not better than me. Until we can acknowledge our own shortcomings and sin, and parts we have played in our own mistakes, no real spiritual growth is ever possible. ....And that part isn't Biblical, but I have learned that from my own experience.
Faith is not a storm cellar to which men and women can flee for refuge from the storms of life. It is, instead, an inner force that gives them the strength to face those storms and their consequences with serenity of spirit.
~Sam J. Ervin, Jr.
...and that my friends, is THE END.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I'm a lover, and I'm a sinner, playin' my music in the suuuuuuun....
What? 2 blog posts in one night!? Impossible you say? Noooo.
Something just occured to me...in my blogging, it has MADE me search for spiritual answers. When I am puzzled, when I am angry or upset, I have turned to Bible gateway, or my favorite quote site, and many other great Googled resources on the topic of frustration at hand. And while I haven't kept a journal/diary since I was a little girl, I realized that's sorta what my blog is, my thoughts, good, bad and otherwise. I have found sound Biblical answers, and God-inspired words of wisdom in this process. It's like my own personal mini-Bible study, with no real accountability or regularity, based upon my own spiritual needs, and thus far, I feel like I am getting ALOT out of it. To each their own, right? Accompanied by some sincere prayer, and some "a-ha" moments, this is pretty ok! Not at all to say that any other Bible study wouldn't be just as awesome, but this has just really worked well for me lately with my swinging moods and lack of desire to leave my house, and I encourage everyone to record their thoughts, their journey, their pain and their pursuit of Godly wisdom for everyone to see or read, is there any greater testimony? I enjoy writing, it's always been a release for me, but this is so much more because I crave substance and answers, and God is revealing them to me in the process. What I choose to do with those answers, is entirely up to me, sometimes I can grasp it, and sometimes I am too wrapped up in my own head to let it all sink in and penetrate my spirit. Nevertheless, the answers are here. I also think most people appreciate honesty, openness, and frankness. I know I respect that in others a great deal. I pray whoever reads this will be blessed and can have hope and peace that only Jesus can bring, if they feel as hopeless as I had felt this last Winter.
Anyway, if you know me or have spent much time with me, you know I love to laugh and act silly, but this is my place to be serious (well, sometimes-ha). This is my place to express my gratitude for God's grace, and allow others to see how I really feel about my spiritual life. I hope to spread that in other ways at some point, but Rodney did a recent sermon on letting our light shine...whatever you can do to touch another, bring another to the Lord, share your experiences to provide comfort. I know my outer persona doesn't necissarily exude spirituality (another work in progress), in fact, catch me on a bad day and it's much the opposite, but I desire to keep pursuing God's righteousness and will for my life, it's a journey...and it's here for all to read. And if it can help anyone, or allow anyone to explore and cultivate their own relationship with Christ and document it, then by all means, it was well worth my outpouring.
I will have 14 years sober in May...I told some friends that today. Sometimes I tend to forget the real miracles God has worked in my life. Man, I'm grateful and humbled by His mercy. All Thanksgiving to Jesus for his kindness and gift of sobriety.
I am the most imperfect person I know. It's nice to know that I can be myself here, admit that, and grow from it. I don't always do the right thing. I cuss too much, I get mad, I overeat, I gossip. I lose my cool, and let the devil steal my joy all too often. But, I also know that these are all things that I would like to work on, and I pray about. I don't claim to have ANY answers, I am no Bible scholar, but I am searching, listening, and willing to let God shape me, through other people, His word, and life experiences. God has the answers, and it's our job to seek them. I will do my best to share what I find here, stay tuned...
Something just occured to me...in my blogging, it has MADE me search for spiritual answers. When I am puzzled, when I am angry or upset, I have turned to Bible gateway, or my favorite quote site, and many other great Googled resources on the topic of frustration at hand. And while I haven't kept a journal/diary since I was a little girl, I realized that's sorta what my blog is, my thoughts, good, bad and otherwise. I have found sound Biblical answers, and God-inspired words of wisdom in this process. It's like my own personal mini-Bible study, with no real accountability or regularity, based upon my own spiritual needs, and thus far, I feel like I am getting ALOT out of it. To each their own, right? Accompanied by some sincere prayer, and some "a-ha" moments, this is pretty ok! Not at all to say that any other Bible study wouldn't be just as awesome, but this has just really worked well for me lately with my swinging moods and lack of desire to leave my house, and I encourage everyone to record their thoughts, their journey, their pain and their pursuit of Godly wisdom for everyone to see or read, is there any greater testimony? I enjoy writing, it's always been a release for me, but this is so much more because I crave substance and answers, and God is revealing them to me in the process. What I choose to do with those answers, is entirely up to me, sometimes I can grasp it, and sometimes I am too wrapped up in my own head to let it all sink in and penetrate my spirit. Nevertheless, the answers are here. I also think most people appreciate honesty, openness, and frankness. I know I respect that in others a great deal. I pray whoever reads this will be blessed and can have hope and peace that only Jesus can bring, if they feel as hopeless as I had felt this last Winter.
Anyway, if you know me or have spent much time with me, you know I love to laugh and act silly, but this is my place to be serious (well, sometimes-ha). This is my place to express my gratitude for God's grace, and allow others to see how I really feel about my spiritual life. I hope to spread that in other ways at some point, but Rodney did a recent sermon on letting our light shine...whatever you can do to touch another, bring another to the Lord, share your experiences to provide comfort. I know my outer persona doesn't necissarily exude spirituality (another work in progress), in fact, catch me on a bad day and it's much the opposite, but I desire to keep pursuing God's righteousness and will for my life, it's a journey...and it's here for all to read. And if it can help anyone, or allow anyone to explore and cultivate their own relationship with Christ and document it, then by all means, it was well worth my outpouring.
I will have 14 years sober in May...I told some friends that today. Sometimes I tend to forget the real miracles God has worked in my life. Man, I'm grateful and humbled by His mercy. All Thanksgiving to Jesus for his kindness and gift of sobriety.
I am the most imperfect person I know. It's nice to know that I can be myself here, admit that, and grow from it. I don't always do the right thing. I cuss too much, I get mad, I overeat, I gossip. I lose my cool, and let the devil steal my joy all too often. But, I also know that these are all things that I would like to work on, and I pray about. I don't claim to have ANY answers, I am no Bible scholar, but I am searching, listening, and willing to let God shape me, through other people, His word, and life experiences. God has the answers, and it's our job to seek them. I will do my best to share what I find here, stay tuned...
Friday, March 19, 2010
I Feel Good, Nana Nana Nana Na...
For the first time, in awhile, I feel good. It's so nice to feel like me, to smile just because, to not feel angry or hurt on the inside. To not have ugly thoughts about myself that persist and invade me everyday. It's pretty cool what just a little overnight trip, some quality time with David and some time out in nature can do for the soul and the mind. God is good and I feel good. Just sayin'.
When we choose to forgive the victory is attainable. When bad things happen, good CAN come out of it! Romans 8:28 declares it is so! My life declares it is so and I am not alone in that statement. So many people have looked evil in the face and said, "I will find good in this." Sometimes the evil and bad things are changed or converted and sometimes it is US that is changed. But ALL things work for good and can bring about change for the good.
--Elizabeth Fabiani
xoxo, love to all,
S
When we choose to forgive the victory is attainable. When bad things happen, good CAN come out of it! Romans 8:28 declares it is so! My life declares it is so and I am not alone in that statement. So many people have looked evil in the face and said, "I will find good in this." Sometimes the evil and bad things are changed or converted and sometimes it is US that is changed. But ALL things work for good and can bring about change for the good.
--Elizabeth Fabiani
xoxo, love to all,
S
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Organic or Non-Organic--Hype or Hip?
Have you ever wondered really what is the difference between organic and non-organic? I am normally NOT one to believe the hype or buy into anything unless I really research it. I keep hearing that organic foods are so much better, but just as trendy and cool as it may seem to go all organic....let's not go overboard. After doing some researching, I think this is pretty interesting.
Organic vs. Non-Organic
What really made up my mind....
So, I'm not gonna throw out my Walmart produce....or meat just yet....
Organic vs. Non-Organic
What really made up my mind....
So, I'm not gonna throw out my Walmart produce....or meat just yet....
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Answers and Questions
Satan is a terrorist. Wreaking havoc on our spiritual lives, disturbing our peace, hurting our hearts, breaking our families, messing with our marriages, destroying our kids, and hurting our friendships. I am ANGRY because of this, looking for answers, wondering why, and most importantly wondering what in the world am I to learn from these crappy times while Satan is terrorizing my family?? Sometimes subtle, silent terror is worse than yelling and screaming dysfunction.
A couple of things I read today by Norm Rasmussen really brought this concept home and answered my questions:
1.When God directly sends a trial our way, it is always because of His love for us. When Satan sends a trial our way, it is always because of his hate for us. If we have a true, sincere heart for Jesus, you above all people are hated by demonic powers, above all others. Never forget that.
2. God is 100% sovereign over what demonic powers are allowed to do in our lives. He always has been. He always will be. Every trial demonic powers launch against a child of God first must pass through the screening of our heavenly Father. We see this fact clearly - long before Jesus Christ defeated Satan at the cross - in the Old Testament Book of Job.
3. Just because Satan is allowed by God to launch a painful attack upon us does not mean that God delights in it happening. On the contrary -- many things God permits … but He doesn’t take personal delight in the pain it causes those who are suffering.
4. God will deal with evil as His plan unfolds to deal with it and destroy it, in accordance with His written Word. God has a plan alright to destroy evil on this planet – it just is going to get executed on God’s timetable, not ours.
Norm went onto say that the important thing we must seek through prayer and keep in our mind is:
What am I to learn from/through this trial?"
Then keep asking and keep trusting until you get your answer.
So here I go...I came to the conclusion through reading scripture and searching for answers while so frustrated a few days ago, last time I blogged, that I am to seek my Heavenly Father's approval, and not my earthly parents. The more I do this, the more I please God. Check. ....And through prayer, God sometimes tells us no. Check. I am to learn from this sad time in my life, resist the devil, and it will somehow result in spiritual growth. Check...I get the concept, but am still working on accepting it.
But then why, why am I still so angry with my parents and their hateful behavior? Why am I having such a hard time letting go of the hurt, hurt that goes back 30 years? Why does the loss of their relationship with me hurt so much?
When I get mad and angry, I tend to go looking for someone to blame, and I found my answer, it's Satan run amuck in my family and I hate it. I know that much. Then I start to doubt myself. Am I good enough to be heard by God? I mean I know He loves me, but are my prayers too short, to the point, full of distraction and come off as insincere, even though He knows my heart? Sometimes I just don't feel "good" enough.
I bet I sound like a whiny ninny. Maybe God will drop these answers in my path...sounds like another blog and time to hit my knees.
A couple of things I read today by Norm Rasmussen really brought this concept home and answered my questions:
1.When God directly sends a trial our way, it is always because of His love for us. When Satan sends a trial our way, it is always because of his hate for us. If we have a true, sincere heart for Jesus, you above all people are hated by demonic powers, above all others. Never forget that.
2. God is 100% sovereign over what demonic powers are allowed to do in our lives. He always has been. He always will be. Every trial demonic powers launch against a child of God first must pass through the screening of our heavenly Father. We see this fact clearly - long before Jesus Christ defeated Satan at the cross - in the Old Testament Book of Job.
3. Just because Satan is allowed by God to launch a painful attack upon us does not mean that God delights in it happening. On the contrary -- many things God permits … but He doesn’t take personal delight in the pain it causes those who are suffering.
4. God will deal with evil as His plan unfolds to deal with it and destroy it, in accordance with His written Word. God has a plan alright to destroy evil on this planet – it just is going to get executed on God’s timetable, not ours.
Norm went onto say that the important thing we must seek through prayer and keep in our mind is:
What am I to learn from/through this trial?"
Then keep asking and keep trusting until you get your answer.
So here I go...I came to the conclusion through reading scripture and searching for answers while so frustrated a few days ago, last time I blogged, that I am to seek my Heavenly Father's approval, and not my earthly parents. The more I do this, the more I please God. Check. ....And through prayer, God sometimes tells us no. Check. I am to learn from this sad time in my life, resist the devil, and it will somehow result in spiritual growth. Check...I get the concept, but am still working on accepting it.
But then why, why am I still so angry with my parents and their hateful behavior? Why am I having such a hard time letting go of the hurt, hurt that goes back 30 years? Why does the loss of their relationship with me hurt so much?
When I get mad and angry, I tend to go looking for someone to blame, and I found my answer, it's Satan run amuck in my family and I hate it. I know that much. Then I start to doubt myself. Am I good enough to be heard by God? I mean I know He loves me, but are my prayers too short, to the point, full of distraction and come off as insincere, even though He knows my heart? Sometimes I just don't feel "good" enough.
I bet I sound like a whiny ninny. Maybe God will drop these answers in my path...sounds like another blog and time to hit my knees.
Friday, March 5, 2010
No hidden agenda and no ulterior motive...
So if you haven't noticed...I like quotes. Some speak to me, some don't...this one did:
While the Lord calls me to be wise and discerning, he reminds me often that his discernment cannot dwell in a cynical distrustful heart. With Him, there is no hidden agenda and no ulterior motive. His gifts are free for the taking but I cannot take these gifts if my hands are already full of my own weapons of self- protection. Therefore, He asks me to lay down the shields that I have forged for protection and to pick up the shield of faith in their place. He asks me to take Him at His Word.
-Katherine Walden
Ah, the good old issue of trust. Not my strong suit. Never has been. Cynical, yup, that's me. Something to think about. Self-protection was a coping mechanism of mine for so long, it's really uncomfortable to trust, to let the shield down...after almost 7 years of marriage, I still struggle with it. Good things to think about. I am never content with the person I am, lots of growth to be accomplished, and lots more to learn about becoming who I want to be, ever evolving into someone better than the last year. That's all I can strive for. Mold me, God and make me maleable, that's my simple prayer today.
While the Lord calls me to be wise and discerning, he reminds me often that his discernment cannot dwell in a cynical distrustful heart. With Him, there is no hidden agenda and no ulterior motive. His gifts are free for the taking but I cannot take these gifts if my hands are already full of my own weapons of self- protection. Therefore, He asks me to lay down the shields that I have forged for protection and to pick up the shield of faith in their place. He asks me to take Him at His Word.
-Katherine Walden
Ah, the good old issue of trust. Not my strong suit. Never has been. Cynical, yup, that's me. Something to think about. Self-protection was a coping mechanism of mine for so long, it's really uncomfortable to trust, to let the shield down...after almost 7 years of marriage, I still struggle with it. Good things to think about. I am never content with the person I am, lots of growth to be accomplished, and lots more to learn about becoming who I want to be, ever evolving into someone better than the last year. That's all I can strive for. Mold me, God and make me maleable, that's my simple prayer today.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Understanding Obedience
Noah seems to be going through this phase where he really thinks he knows everything, he is rarely wrong, above correction and rules the roost. Well, of course, this undoubtedly keeps causing him some issues because he is not the center of the universe, and as much as he is super funny and smart, sometimes a nifty little dose of reality is in order. I remember when Maya, at 10 or 11 went through this too. It's a hard lesson in obedience. As children we strive so hard for someone to give us some credit for knowing something. We wanted to show those dang adults that we "know"...sometimes more than them!!!
It's been hard to blog lately. Just haven't felt very peaceful, spiritual, or like anything I had to say would be anything but total negativity. Lots of things happen in life that can really hurt our hearts. I know what I need to be doing, but am having a hard time with "obedience" myself. I feel rebellious, angry, frustrated, sad. Without going into great detail about my pity party...I am just hurt; hurt beyond earthly repair by my family (Mom and Dad). Not sure what to do with that hurt. I have prayed, actually alot, about this hurt. It's not going away. It's a hindrance to my daily existence right now. I hate feeling this way. I am a very happy person usually; someone once told me my happiness and positivity was "infectious". I considered that to be the most flattering of compliments...to be a person others want to be around, a happy person, how nice. That has not been Sarah, sadly for awhile now. I am struggling with the concept of obedience. I want to get the toxic, poisonous words spoken to me out of my head. I want to have selective amnesia and forget all the pain caused to me by my family. Alas, none of these are realistic options. Satan has been at work chipping away on my sad parents for years, until finally, they are comfortable in their own concept of reality...which is so different that what the world is really like. I've been devastated by Satan's grip into their lives. I am needing to move on now. Move on and obey God, and His will in my life and let everything with my family play out however God sees fit...and TRUST that. *sigh* The finality of all this is really hurting my heart. Living with disappointment is nothing new, but has taken on a whole new genre of pain because there is no relationship to be salvaged anymore, and I have been given a very final goodbye by them. This goodbye has broken my heart. I again, am turning to God and seeking His divine guidance out of sadness and desperation.
In my sincere desire to find some comfort in all this, I took a sec. and looked up the word obedient, just to see if maybe I had missed something in all my wrestling with my will (hurt, anger, sadness) vs. God's will...
Okay, the BEST part of this are the synonyms and their meanings, very interesting!
Main Entry: obe·di·ent
Function: adjective
Date: 13th century : submissive to the restraint or command of authority : willing to obey
synonyms obedient, docile, tractable, amenable mean submissive to the will of another. obedient implies compliance with the demands or requests of one in authority.
docile implies a predisposition to submit readily to control or guidance .
tractable suggests having a character that permits easy handling or managing .
amenable suggests a willingness to yield or to cooperate either because of a desire to be agreeable or because of a natural open-mindedness.
Um...wow. How am I docile, tractable, amenable...obedient? Usually these adjectives are not really positive...usually demonstrating weakness, timidity, and a lack of independent thinking. Not necessarily adjectives I would typically use to describe myself. Further bringing home the reality of "dying to oneself" and it's real importance and meaning. Boy, I have a long way to go...this concept is so beautiful, and in my opinion, the HARDEST to demonstrate real obedience. Holy cow, I am spiritually an infant *insert pacifier*. Then I looked up "dying to oneself". Here is what I found, wincing from my own selfish nature all the while reading it:
When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely made to feel like nothing, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When your good is spoken of as evil, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving silence.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face-to-face with waste, lack of good sense, extravagance, spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any clothing, any interruption by the will of God.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
"That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death." Phil.3:10
After reading all that, I felt about as tall as an ant, but the concept is clear. Am I able to put aside Sarah and her misery long enough to even give thought to this? --To be obedient? Wow. Much in the same manner as my 11 year old step-son is on a quest for someone to validate his "grown-upness" and his righteous knowledge, I too long for parents that understand me and validate the way I long to be loved, unconditionally. But after reading what I found, I understand that if I am truly to die to myself, only my heavenly Father's unconditional love is what is really important, and my earthly parent's love(or lack thereof) is insignificant in comparison. I am asking God to humble my spirit to lay aside the hurt. I get it, God, message received loud and clear. I am praying for openness, obedience, and peace in my heart and the hurt to fade into love and acceptance of my situation. That's alot to pray for....I mean ALOT. Thank goodness God is so big he knows all of my abundant needs.
On another note, I am blessed with friends that have been most wonderful, with ears to listen to me vent my upset feelings, and keep me laughing through my tears, all the while praying for me. I only hope that I can be the same kind of friend to them as they have been to me when they need me. I am here and so grateful. Mind you, these cool, little feisty friends of mine have their own pain, sadness, and hurt too...yet still have time for little-'ol-me; pretty awesome, that whole concept of friendship. God has worked through these ladies, what a blessing. ...And we have enjoyed some cake a few times too (maybe a few too many??)! ;)
In looking for a new status for the church's Facebook I ran across a neat quote that I like. I'd like to hope that I am open-minded enough to grasp it in it's entirety.
If we want the Word of God to have authority in our life, there is only one way - obey it. If we want the Holy Spirit to have authority in our life, there is only one way - Obey Him. If we always obey impulses of fear or doubt or resentment, what will have authority over our minds? Fear, and doubt and resentment.
~Tom Marshall
But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does.
James 1:25
It's been hard to blog lately. Just haven't felt very peaceful, spiritual, or like anything I had to say would be anything but total negativity. Lots of things happen in life that can really hurt our hearts. I know what I need to be doing, but am having a hard time with "obedience" myself. I feel rebellious, angry, frustrated, sad. Without going into great detail about my pity party...I am just hurt; hurt beyond earthly repair by my family (Mom and Dad). Not sure what to do with that hurt. I have prayed, actually alot, about this hurt. It's not going away. It's a hindrance to my daily existence right now. I hate feeling this way. I am a very happy person usually; someone once told me my happiness and positivity was "infectious". I considered that to be the most flattering of compliments...to be a person others want to be around, a happy person, how nice. That has not been Sarah, sadly for awhile now. I am struggling with the concept of obedience. I want to get the toxic, poisonous words spoken to me out of my head. I want to have selective amnesia and forget all the pain caused to me by my family. Alas, none of these are realistic options. Satan has been at work chipping away on my sad parents for years, until finally, they are comfortable in their own concept of reality...which is so different that what the world is really like. I've been devastated by Satan's grip into their lives. I am needing to move on now. Move on and obey God, and His will in my life and let everything with my family play out however God sees fit...and TRUST that. *sigh* The finality of all this is really hurting my heart. Living with disappointment is nothing new, but has taken on a whole new genre of pain because there is no relationship to be salvaged anymore, and I have been given a very final goodbye by them. This goodbye has broken my heart. I again, am turning to God and seeking His divine guidance out of sadness and desperation.
In my sincere desire to find some comfort in all this, I took a sec. and looked up the word obedient, just to see if maybe I had missed something in all my wrestling with my will (hurt, anger, sadness) vs. God's will...
Okay, the BEST part of this are the synonyms and their meanings, very interesting!
Main Entry: obe·di·ent
Function: adjective
Date: 13th century : submissive to the restraint or command of authority : willing to obey
synonyms obedient, docile, tractable, amenable mean submissive to the will of another. obedient implies compliance with the demands or requests of one in authority.
docile implies a predisposition to submit readily to control or guidance .
tractable suggests having a character that permits easy handling or managing .
amenable suggests a willingness to yield or to cooperate either because of a desire to be agreeable or because of a natural open-mindedness.
Um...wow. How am I docile, tractable, amenable...obedient? Usually these adjectives are not really positive...usually demonstrating weakness, timidity, and a lack of independent thinking. Not necessarily adjectives I would typically use to describe myself. Further bringing home the reality of "dying to oneself" and it's real importance and meaning. Boy, I have a long way to go...this concept is so beautiful, and in my opinion, the HARDEST to demonstrate real obedience. Holy cow, I am spiritually an infant *insert pacifier*. Then I looked up "dying to oneself". Here is what I found, wincing from my own selfish nature all the while reading it:
When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely made to feel like nothing, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When your good is spoken of as evil, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving silence.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face-to-face with waste, lack of good sense, extravagance, spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any clothing, any interruption by the will of God.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF
"That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death." Phil.3:10
After reading all that, I felt about as tall as an ant, but the concept is clear. Am I able to put aside Sarah and her misery long enough to even give thought to this? --To be obedient? Wow. Much in the same manner as my 11 year old step-son is on a quest for someone to validate his "grown-upness" and his righteous knowledge, I too long for parents that understand me and validate the way I long to be loved, unconditionally. But after reading what I found, I understand that if I am truly to die to myself, only my heavenly Father's unconditional love is what is really important, and my earthly parent's love(or lack thereof) is insignificant in comparison. I am asking God to humble my spirit to lay aside the hurt. I get it, God, message received loud and clear. I am praying for openness, obedience, and peace in my heart and the hurt to fade into love and acceptance of my situation. That's alot to pray for....I mean ALOT. Thank goodness God is so big he knows all of my abundant needs.
On another note, I am blessed with friends that have been most wonderful, with ears to listen to me vent my upset feelings, and keep me laughing through my tears, all the while praying for me. I only hope that I can be the same kind of friend to them as they have been to me when they need me. I am here and so grateful. Mind you, these cool, little feisty friends of mine have their own pain, sadness, and hurt too...yet still have time for little-'ol-me; pretty awesome, that whole concept of friendship. God has worked through these ladies, what a blessing. ...And we have enjoyed some cake a few times too (maybe a few too many??)! ;)
In looking for a new status for the church's Facebook I ran across a neat quote that I like. I'd like to hope that I am open-minded enough to grasp it in it's entirety.
If we want the Word of God to have authority in our life, there is only one way - obey it. If we want the Holy Spirit to have authority in our life, there is only one way - Obey Him. If we always obey impulses of fear or doubt or resentment, what will have authority over our minds? Fear, and doubt and resentment.
~Tom Marshall
But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does.
James 1:25
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