STILL

Ah, this week sends me yet again into reflection.  I'm going to celebrate my 15th sobriety birthday here in a few days.  15 years without a drink or drug.  Getting clean at 19 was tricky, as you might imagine, but I wanted it, I still want it.  And while I could blog about my story, what got me there, and how I made it through the last 15 years...I'd rather not.  Instead, I am focused on the future.  By the grace of God, I'm clean...STILL, and to Him goes every ounce of the glory.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for my blessings.

All I can say, is presently I'm in the process of shedding the old baggage, guilt, shame and hurt, STILL.  You might think when you get clean, that poof, everything is all better.  The reality there, is there are reasons that you used...and hurt yourself.  Those reasons do not magically go away.  They are there, because your family, your past, your circumstances, do not change.  It's you that must change.  ...And so, I've changed and continue to change--all for the better.  I quit smoking in 2003.  I then turned to food...yet another addiction.  My romance with food has grown into an all out lurid affair...until I felt and looked awful, and something had to give.  I've lost 21.5 pounds as of last Friday.  I STILL have lots to go, but I'm doing this.  It's time to live my life without the guilt, and the hurt inflicted by myself and others.  It's time to enjoy the blessings of our business, and my great husband and kids.  I'm not allowing the pain to rule my emotions anymore, and I feel good.  I am a very happy person, and really for the most part have been for 15 years.  But, the inability to let go of the past, and present personal hurts, was eating my soul--and in turn, I was eating everything in sight.  STILL another vice to grapple with taming.  So, 15 years of "one-day-at-a-time" has worked and I am clean STILL.  Now I am deciding to give up my addiction to shame, and letting others shame me.  Shame was the needle, and food was the heroin inside, and I "shot up" way too often.  This may not make sense to alot of people, or maybe you are struggling yourself, I don't know.  It always seemed others had it all figured out, way ahead of me.  The reality is, we all have hurts and family baggage, it's just how you choose to cope.  I now know if I cannot find a healthy way to cope, I will do something subconsciously destructive to myself.  Knowing this, I am choosing peace and really re-learning a new way to look at food.  It's difficult.  But after 50+ days of shedding fat, emotions emerge...and I want this weight loss, STILL.  You realize why you got fat, why you smoked, why you used...and it hurts, STILL.   I always thought I was overweight because I just loved food and was a foodie.  I was hiding, afraid to succeed, afraid to not self-soothe with something.  I feel better today, than I have in years, maybe ever?
I am married to a wonderful man, STILL.
Jesus loves me, STILL.
I am clean, STILL.
...and I'm going to be a smaller, better version of Sarah...because I actually deserve it.  I've come a long way.

{David is taking me to to a Foo Fighters concert in Little Rock, AR for my sobriety birthday, I have so much to celebrate.  Can't wait!}