My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day came and went this year, and most likely it will be one of the more memorable ones.  The kids were with us this time, and so I wanted to do something that we would all enjoy.  I found us an overly wholesome flick that romanticized in kiddy terms Romeo and Juliet (which Maya happens to be reading right now in English)...into Gnomeo and Juliet.  Ok so this movie sucked, and wasn't funny in the least, and actually was so boring and kiddish, that I got an insane case of the giggles watching Maya get pissy and huffy at how insanely dumb it was.  Noah and I sat there dumbfounded just saying to each other, "this is SO bad"....and my Valentine, David, fell asleep.  So I laughed until I was sick and looked like a complete lunatic to whoever got the pleasure of sitting behind my Valentine's band of grumps and kooks.  We got up and left halfway through the seemingly appropriate V-day movie, and came home and looked for something festive to watch on Netflix; Noah suggested My Bloody Valentine.  If we couldn't make the gnomes work, a little scary stuff might be fun.  This movie, from 1985 ,was completely inappropriate and we then had to turn it off.  After going through several more movies we ended up turning off, we landed upon a Swedish claymation called Pingo, a penguin that grunted his words (stupid yet hilarious--cue eye rolling from Maya, which sent me back into the giggles), and then ended our rockin' Valentine's Day with introducing the children to some old School Rainbow Brite...wow was that a trip...like literally a bad acid flashback.  LAME.  Very lame. 

Here's the deal, though, even though it was completely lame, I had a blast and so did they.  We laughed at the calamity of going to see the nerdy gnomes (that Maya had warned us we were going to regret) that was positively terrible and the misfortune of every bad movie ever made on Netflix.  The simplicity of just being together and laughing our faces off, trying to find something to entertain us then became entertaining.  When we are all together just laughing and acting silly, I remember my mom, and how she loved to act silly with me.  I am so grateful for my funny little family, we are total dorks, but we are the coolest dorks ever...lol. 

David and I have shared so many great Valentine's Days together.  This was our 10th, and I didn't know it, but he did.  He gave me 10 roses at the end of the night when we went to bed, all with special events in our lives attached to them with little strips of paper.  I had to put them in chronological order, and then gave me the 11th rose to grow on, and make more memories between now and next Valentine's Day.  Such a cool guy.  God had such a great plan cut out for me with him; Just love it.  There's been lots of great Valentine's Days, like the year David dressed up like a knight and brought me flowers and candy to work, or the year he made me an arrangment that included my favorite perfume, or the year he took me to a fancy restuarant (Gilardi's) when we really couldn't afford it and it was quite a treat.  This year was special in it's own way with the kiddos.  Sometimes trying too hard to make things perfect, actually backfires, what's important is it was still "just perfect".  I love my family. 

I am a little curious to see if the gnomes offed themselves in the end, though...lol. ;)

 

 

Sent from Sarah's iPhone

I didn't have the guts

I read someones blog today that offended me.  In the bigger scheme of things does it really matter, nah, not really.  But it struck a chord with me because they wrote things that were from a pious Christian perspective, and have obviously not experienced a lot of trials.  They didn't grow up with parents that DIDN'T pray...they didn't have an alcoholic father, or a workaholic mother in denial, they didn't have family dysfunction.  I didn't have the guts to tell them how naive they sound because I don't want to offend them, or tell them how judgmental they came off.  In fact, I'm quite sure they are clueless as to how ridiculous they appear to the rest of us that haven't lived a perfect life.  The topic they were addressing is one that is near and dear to my family and lots of families, one this person knows nothing about, and has even less business trying to blog about.  They are just an acquaintance, and most likely will stay that way, but the larger picture here is that this person is my sibling in Christ, and they are misguided and out of line.  They see a very small projection of what they have been told about the world, perhaps from being sheltered and afraid of it most of their lives?  When Christians offend other Christians, we forgive them, we pray for them, and that's that.  But again, when we look at a more global picture, how does this person portray our belief in Christ to those that don't yet know him?  I'll tell you how, as a judgmental so and so, that likes to talk (or blog) to feel superior.  How can some be so clueless and vain in their quest for righteousness?  

I get tired of some Christians passing judgment on things they know nothing about.  It's really easy to condemn others, if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  I wish we could all be so sweet and simple and demure.  Life isn't always cut and dried.  Jesus loves us all the same, thank goodness for that.  People mess up,divorce, lie, gossip, cheat, steal, hate, condemn, hurt others, use drugs, live promiscuous lives, PEOPLE SIN.  Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.  Maybe some are better served listening to others stories, passing less judgment, and truly serving our Lord in some capacity.  Understanding is the key to learning, and loving.  I don't see alot of this.  In our small sheltered communities in Missouri I see lots of rebuking and correcting, and very little rolling up the shirt sleeves and actually serving and just shutting up.  Everyone loves to voice their opinions, including me.  So this is mine: hate the sin, not the sinner.  Realize that God knows our hearts, hurts and pasts...and forgives us ALL.  Loves us ALL, and most of ALL wants us to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.  Could this be any simpler, or more complicated?

John 8:1-11
but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them.3 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst 4 they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. 5 Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” 6 This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. 7 And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. 9 But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. 10 Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”


It's humbling.  All I have to do is read that passage and KNOW in my heart that Jesus loves me more than I can ever imagine.  He loves me through my sin, He died for me and that sin.  Nothing else matters.  That story is impossible to misinterpret, yet some forget it's significance.  

They suck.

Parents think about their children day and night, even
when they are grown. Parents love their children in a way that they will never
understand. Parents will be there for their children when no one else will.
Parents would take a bullet, stand in front of a train, and ask God to take them
instead of their child. If you have a child or children that you love as much as
I love mine, post this as your status!

This was a post today on a friend of mine's facebook status...I was thinking about how David loves the children, how I love them, how my friends love their kiddos...unconditionally.  I guess I lucked out with the narcissists for parents that have no comprehension of this whole concept.  It's just a little maddening.  How as a parent do you completely disregard your instincts?  My parents would rather push me in front of a train, and collect the insurance money, because you know $$ is the only thing that matters...what is wrong with this picture???  Be there for me, no matter what?  You are joking, right?  Ok...done with this negative rant for the day.  Just a thought, now letting it go...on to more positive endeavors.

Sand in my Toes

This last week I stood with my feet in the sand, letting the waves wash over them, I had a thought.  Everytime the waves crashed in, it washed my feet anew or they sunk further into the sand.  Usually I stepped out and let the wave wash over them, that sinking feeling isn't comfortable. Isn't that life?  You let the waves either sink you further in, or your step out and let the wave wash you clean.  One thing is certain, the waves never cease.  Christ inpires me in the smallest moments.  It's usually not momentous for me, just the little stuff that makes an impact.  I'm at a spiritual crossroads right now, not sure what to do.  Just praying for some guidance and something to challenge me to continue to grow in Christ.  Right now I'm comfortable and semi-content...and knowing there's more out there...it's time for some fresh change and decision making.  It's so easy to just stay put.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand.
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand...

I love that kid.

b.l.o.g.

I have really had a hard time lately focusing and trying to make one blog entry, I think of ideas, thoughts, topics, and so on, lately that I just wanna get down through my fingers to the keyboard, but they just jumble into more important tasks, or get put on the back-burner.  I have 7 drafts started right now...needless to say, am lacking blog focus.  I have little (ok not so little, but they will always be in my mind) munchkins that are coming home here soon after being gone for a week, and I like to give them my undivided attention when they walk in the door, so this will be short.  Just an admission that my blogging abilities of late, pretty much suck. I'll be back soon...maybe 34 years of age will bring me some focus.  Here's Noah...time to visit!

Happy 2011

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. Use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. Be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge sink in and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love."
~unknown 

Merry Christmas

When we focus on what we have, instead of what we don't, we become grateful and filled with joy.  That is my wish for everyone this Christmas Eve.  Peace, joy, and gratitude.  The birth of a baby boy fulfilled it all.  Jesus is the ultimate Christmas gift.  This Christmas I am praying for those that don't know our King to find Him and worship Him.  For those that do know Him, but have forgotten His promises, renewal.  Merry Christmas to all, safe travels, and warm, generous hearts for a new 2011.

love to all,
Sarah

Redefining Christmas

Christmas time is here...happiness and cheer.  I find myself this year redefining Christmas at 33 years of age, and well, it's really a trip.  I always have had a nature to please people...to be everything to everyone, all my life.  This is unrealistic.  I know.  It's no secret now, that I haven't had a relationship with my parents or any of my family in over a year.  It's been a really hard year for me, honestly.  Just ask my friends and husband.  However, nothing compares to 2008 finding out that David had a huge tumor growing from his outer hip bone and the waiting, nail biting, to find out if it was malignant, or benign.  His surgery was December 17th that year, and it was a long painful recovery, in which he still worked, building our business, shooting 38 weddings and many sessions, in alot of pain.  I look back on that, and am amazed at how we all held it together, because I was terrified, and so was he.  Because God has been so very good to the Colemans, it was benign.  During that trying time, I learned to lean on my favorite scripture, which I quote often, to all that it can help.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

The perfect word of Christ did bring me that peace that "transcends all understanding" during the end of 2008, but this last year, I have not had that peace.  It escaped me.  I tried to pray, and was still mad.  I was so filled with anger, hurt, and upset; processing such a jumbled mess of emotions that ranged from sad to mad, and back again.  I had been abandoned by those that supposedly loved me unconditionally and I couldn't believe it.  I still can't, really.  I have grieved it all, as you might have seen in previous entries here.  Just in the last 2 months am I embracing life and this season, without my family.  The holidays bring thoughts of memories, nostalgia, good times with family.  I'm just holding on to those.  They were good, so I will leave them in my memory as such.  Some weren't at all good.  I'm letting those go.  I am coming to allow myself to enjoy the holidays this year, without my family.  Last year, honestly, I did not.  I was miserable and sad.  This year I am embracing the joy of the present with Maya and Noah, with David, with our friends.  I doubt things with my family will ever change, so that meant, I had to change.  Roll with the punches, they say, right?  So having done that, here I am, December 2nd...allowing myself to get excited about Christmas, listening to Christmas music without crying, looking forward to what my life and those that have chosen to be in it will bring.  I am not out to please anyone anymore in my family for Christmas, it's feeling quite nice.  *sigh of relief*  I just get to be me, unpretentious me, enjoying the holidays in a new way.  It's funny how we adapt and change with age and circumstances thrust upon us.  In that comes growth, and I am growing, learning, and loving this time.  I have much to be grateful for, it's time to live, love and laugh for Christmas!   True family is who we make it.

Here are my top 20 things I have to be thankful for this Christmas:

20. Church on Christmas Eve with acapella Christmas carols, candles, and the peace that comes with that special night

19. Mistletoe because I like to catch sweet kisses underneath it now and then from Mr. Coleman
18. White Christmases, with pretty sparkly lights shining through the snow
17. The spirit of giving to one another, the pure joy of watching someone open something you were excited to give them
16. Grace that allows people to be just a little kinder during the Holidays...well, most people. ;)  Peace on Earth and good will towards men
15. Hot chocolate with a candy cane haging off the side...and lotsa marshmallows
14. Baking and icing sugar cookies with the kids and David
13. Christmas music that allows me to get lost in the Season
12. My nativity that keeps me focused on the real reason we celebrate Christmas.
11. My Christmas tree and all the keepsake ornaments on it that remind me of the last 9 years of our togetherness as a family
10.Sobriety and the miracles that exist because of it
09. Love--because it exists, I am whole
08. My home, my refuge, my shelter - it's where my heart is ;)
07. A lucrative business that allows us to be comfortable and give to others
06.The good health of all I hold dear
05. My dearest friends who accept me flaws and all, as I accept them.  I don't just like them, I love them
04. The joyful little funny dogs that melt my heart, Tatoes and Frankie
03. 2 children I love with all my heart like my own, but are not mine, Maya and Noah
02.The gift of marriage to my best friend and soulmate, David
01. The birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ

Merry Christmas,
Sarah

Get it?

Do you ever just marvel at your ever changing reality?  Life is not what I thought it would be...and I am not saying this as a bad thing, just a fact.  I rather like my life, for the most part.  People come in and out of your life.  People you thought would be there forever leave, people you thought would be temporary, stay, children change, you figure out who they are is not who you thought they were, or get confirmation that they are actually who you always knew they were.  This is all just random rambling unless you know the ins and outs of my life.  However, I am still just so totally bewildered by our ever changing inner-connectedness.  It's pretty amazing, all this inner-"woven-ness".  We all change, some for the better, some not much, and some alot, but everyone eventually changes.  We all connect like a big dot to dot grid, some lines are erased and others just continue to connect to more dots. Nothing really stays the same, friendships evolve or fade, spouse relationships deepen, trust in others comes and goes, those we respect amaze or dissapoint us. Even our thoughts, opinions, goals, dreams and wants change with age, maturity, realizations, and education.  Nothing is forever, except for Christ's love for us and hopefully our love for Him.  So if that is the one constant, in a world of ever-changing variables, why do we fight the changes?  Because change is uncomfortable, so is personal growth, so is letting go, giving up, and knowing when to fight.  Isn't this all just a lesson in adaptation, maturation, and age?  Aren't we supposed to be learning and maybe taking some very important notes as we go?  How do so many people go through this life and still not "get it"?  Am I "getting it"?  Only time will tell.

Just for me

Sometimes God just drops in your lap something you need to hear:

There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery can disillusion Him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me. There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow-men do not see (and I am glad!), and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself (which, in all conscience, is enough). There is, however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, He wants me as His friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.

-James I (J. I.) Packer

'Tis Upon Us

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say you just don't even know where to begin??  That was the month of October for me, packed full of stuff, not really bad, or great, just stuff.  Which is why I had one measley entry here during that month, which was not even something I wrote.  Ugh...  So instead of beginning...on anything I have to say.  I shall just start November anew.  The holidays are once again upon us, and while I am trying to muster some excitement, I am starting to feel they are overrated.  I love to decorate for the holidays, that will probably not change, but it's just one day in November, and one day in December, and then boom, the New Year; which, may I add, will mark one year of blogging for me.  Yippee!
 Ah...Holidays.  Cooking the whole Thanksgiving meal by myself, the stress of finding gifts for kids that have everything, my dwindling Christmas card list, and the rememberance that I have no family to celebrate with.  Oh goody.  Well, to be more positive, I WILL find some good in the upcoming Holidays this year, just not sure where yet.  Most likely in doing for others and focusing on my husband and friends, those things always bring me joy.  Might need a cattle prod, but I WILL get there.  Remind me of this.

Lorica

I arise today Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgement of doom.
..... I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.

Patrick of Ireland

Must See TV From Me~Hilarious.

So how wrong would it be to have my consultations watch this??  LOL!

My Mimi

I got to actually see my Mimi this month. It was a great visit, and as her memory faded in and out, it reminded me that time is short and precious. It was a blessing to get to see her for more reasons than one!! :)

Always the proud dog-mom

My furkids posing for the camera.

September 16th is Stepfamily Day!

Happy National Step-family Day!

I Am Their Stepmother
I am their stepmother,

And I am proud to be,

God has given me this important job,

And it is Him I aim to please.



I am their stepmother,

A promise to them I have made,

To guide them and protect them,

And to teach them in God's ways.



I am their stepmother,

In some ways different,

Some the same,

No matter how I'm seen by the outside world,

I always know my place.



I am their stepmother,

Their father's partner for life,

I will show them God's love,

in the face of momentary strife.



I am their stepmother,

I will struggle,

And I will cry.

When their innocence is threatened,

I will stand,

And I will fight.



For they are the future,

They are precious,

They are worthy,

And I will try,

To give them everything within my power,

Everything that is right.



I understand if I receive no credit,

I am prepared to accept all blame,

All the wonderful joys of having a place in their lives,

Are worth all the tears and pain.



They have taught me the meaning of selfless love,

The value of every second of life.

I am so blessed to see the world,

And myself,

Through my step-children's eyes.

-Poem from Southernshellegirl's blog

Testing 123

Now I can blog from my phone!  Pix and all!! Woot!
Trying this out
Sent from Sarah's iPhone

@!$#%&*@&#^*&%*@#%$&*%@$

Well, yeah so here's my thing today...  I have slipped back into potty-mouthedness, yep it's a word.  Maybe just my word.  Not that I have ever completely kicked the potty-mouth...infact, I just curb it's influx of nastiness, but it usually remains just under the surface.  Just sneak up and scare me, and see what comes out of my mouth.  Having kids around every other week has made me aware of my use of such words.  On weeks they are home, I find myself using what I can best describe as replacement words.  Motherfudgekins, shazam, shootfire, poopface, crappenhagen, doody-brown, bullshizzle, bootyhead, turd-licker, fart-knockers, jackwad, stinky potty-tush, among many others.  Then when I hear the kids repeat these stupid words, I feel even worse.  Great, way to go step-mom (guess it's better than the alternative).  When the kids are not home, I find myself using the big-girl words that I incorporated into my vocabulary around age 11.  I really hate it at times because I will be talking to a friend, letting them know I am praying for them, or talking about my love for Jesus, or the miracles that have been worked in my life; then fast forward the conversation about 5 minutes to the next subject and I am dropping bombs like Hiroshima.  What is that??  It's like I can't find any more effective nouns, adjectives or adverbs to get my point across?  HELP!  So I feel like I should start eff-bombs anonymous.  Hi, my name is Sarah and I curse my face off.  Hello, Sarah.  I have knocked lots of other non-productive vices in my life, why is this one so ingrained into my language?  I have tried to do the whole curse jar thing...that's a joke, I just end up with lots of my $$ in a jar...so what?  A reward to go buy something special for cursing like a sailor? -Sweet.  So I guess, just pray for my potty-mouth because it certainly is NOT a true reflection of what's in my heart.  I'm pretty frustrated with my lack of verbal discipline.  Grrr.

Armchair Time-Machine

    Rain, sweet rain is here.  Thank you, Lord.  It's another day, Wednesday actually!  It's September 1st and I'm itching to get out the Fall stuff!  My hubby is going to be 35 here in 2 weeks...wow.  You always hear people talk about time, especially older people, going faster and faster as the years pass.  When I was younger I would just roll my eyes and think, ah, there's lots of time for everything.  Now in my early-mid thirties...well, I am realizing it's true, the old people knew their stuff and I am becoming one of them.  We have been letting Maya drive the Element in parking lots and around a few residential areas...wow again.  Maya 14 and 1/2...driving.  This time next year she will be driving us with her permit.  Oh boy.  Gonna hafta hem that all up in prayer...lots and lots and lots...and maybe some anti-anxiety meds.
    I was thinking about 10 years ago what I was doing at this time, September 1, 2000 today and sharing that with David.  I was getting out of a really dysfunctional relationship I had been in for 2 and 1/2 years, and relishing being single.  I was bitter, skeptical, distrustful.  My relationship with God was not where it should be, but I was trying to live honestly.  I prayed sporadically, I didn't go to church.  I was a smoker, smoking about a pack a day.  I had 4 years clean under my belt.  I was hanging with friends, discussing politics, current events, and still educating myself on how and why things work the way they do in our world.  I was getting ready to move into my friend's boyfriend's rental house.  I was really excited to get out of my triplex, to get a pet, and get into a nicer  neighborhood in Springfield.  I was working at ATT and was fresh out of training, making big money in "smits", our incentive card. Ha...how that would be a joke towards the end of my employment in 2006.  I had in my mind a plan to start school again, after all, I already had 2 years under my belt.  ATT and the money I was making, way more than my college grad friends, quickly made me realize, I could make more working there than finishing my degree.  How sad.  The allure of bonuses, and quick cash, was too enticing.  I had just gotten a "Rachel from Friends" haircut...layers and such, but with my dark hair ended up looking more like Monica Lewinsky who was still fresh in people's minds.  I had never ever used color on my hair at this point. Ha!  I rarely cooked, I went out to eat with friends almost every night and was addicted to Bangkok City Thai food during this time.  Ah, some Pad Thai Woon Sen, 3 stars!  I loved sushi, but could rarely afford to eat it.  I was much smaller than I am now.  I had a membership at Ozarks Fitness, and was working out twice a day before work, and after.  I went out to Jordan Creek sometimes on the weekends, or Remington's on ladies night Thursdays.  I loved to dance.  I would hang out with Kelley sometimes at her peach colored house on John street, Kaitlyn was still a baby, and loved Teletubbies, and I loved watching them right along with them.  Most of my friends had kids, and I longed for that too, but the right guy had to come first.  I was driving a maroon Toyota Camry and blasting my "burnt" mix Cd's as loudly as possible;  Counting Crows, Fiona Apple, Outkast, CeeLo, Blink 182 and Limp Biskit among many more I can't even remember.  I had dial-up internet through a small provider and a Nokia analog cell phone the size of my head...recently upgraded from my killer blue pager.  I was carrying a Dooney and Bourke purse and loving chenile turtleneck sweaters, tigh pants under them, and blunt toed zipper boots, I had all colors, brown, red, black, even black and silver rocker boots!  Most of my home decor came from Big Lots and the Dollar Tree.  I would occasionally treat myself to a few clearance items from Pier One, at that time, that was the ONLY cool home decor store in Springfield.  I pretty much watched MTV non stop when my TV was on, the Real World was my favorite show.  My favorite movies were Reality Bites and Titanic.  I was a pretty happy girl, but I really lacked and longed for that one special person in my life, and little did I know, that in 13 months, I would meet him, and I would be happier and more in love than I'd ever dreamed.  Alot has happened, and changed in 10 years; kids, dogs, marriage, tumors, deaths, successes, failures, church, community, buying and selling homes, cars, employment for "the man", to becoming "the man" in self-employment, technology, good times, bad times, and everything in between.  INSANE. 
My entire point in examining this mini-time warp is to glorify our God.  I don't smoke anymore. I am still friends with Kelley.  I am married to the man of my dreams.  I do not have to work at a job that I hate.  I am a stepmom to two bright, funny, amazing children.  I have better friends now than I have ever had.  I have the time to give back to my community.  I have an active relationship with God and involved at church.  My attire, home, clothing, lifestyle, have all been upgraded.  I am self-employed and loving it with our growing photography business.  I still enjoy music, I don't go dancing anymore, I still enjoy Thai food, and tons of other ethnic yumminess.  I can even cook--I have even plumped up :( !  Could I have envisioned what 10 years would bring?  Nope.  Not even if I tried. 
    In the last 10 years, there have been some very bad, very sad times in there as well, it's not all been peaches and roses and sunshine, make no mistake.  I have had my share of really crappy moments, decisions, and hurts.  I am not at all trying to pretend my life has been some grand fairytale of giddy, make-you-wanna-barf moments, but rather focus more attention to the positive blessings and realize they outweigh the dreariness by far.  God carries us through the ugly stuff, as well as the great stuff.  And I realize, He's always been by my side, even when I wasn't asking Him to be there. I'm so grateful, because I CAN see what my life COULD have been. So I'm thinking of 10 years from now; what will that bring?   Imagine! ;)  Glory to God in the highest!

Yeah, I don't even know why

Just because...why not.

http://www.rathergood.com/biscuits

Are you who you want to be?

This is your Life

yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose

don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes

this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
and you had everything to lose

-Switchfoot

Step-mommin' it on the real

I don't write about my relationship with my step-kids often. It's a delicate situation in which, if you know me well, you know the deal, the drama, and the way we choose to handle our situation. If you don't, well, you see us on the outside, smiling in pictures, doing normal family stuff, attending church, eating out, going to a movie. Most of the time, it's pretty normal, but the reality is, step-parenting sucks alot of the time. Period. If I have to explain why, well, you might as well stop reading now. I often have referred to myself in conversation with friends as the "Betty Crocker" of step-moms, not because I am conceited, or just enjoy tooting my own horn, but rather, the fact that I care deeply, love even more deeply, and have been really pretty darn awesome to my step-kids through the almost 9 years I have been in their lives. Again, if you know our family, you know exactly of what I speak, there's no need to elaborate. I have known a few step-moms in the past that hate their step-kids and really treat them as if they are lepers in their own homes. This is not the case around here--in fact, that's laughable. I have other really kind step-mom friends, as well as visiting the "Second Wives Cafe" and the "Childless Step-moms" on-line communities, that remind me I am not alone, the things I am dealing with and going through are not specific to me. Universally speaking, most divorced bio-moms (but not all--wink wink) resent and are extremely jealous and competitive with step-moms. We are a threat. Did you know that? That we step-mothers are trying to replace you? This seems to be the common misconception, that if we actually love and form bonds with their children, that we are scary and evil and objects of gossip, negativity, and contempt. While I do love my step-kids dearly, I realize and respect the importance of their healthy relationships with their bio-parents. What kind of horrible person would I be to ever come between that? I'll tell you what: the perfunctory evil stepmother.
 Most of the time, I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't in my situation. So I throw caution to the wind, and know that deep down the children love me, and I love them, and that's enough, to heck with the rest. So what if my step-daughter has to hide our relationship from her mother and only text me sporadically then delete them, so mom won't see that we have been talking. So what? So what if she is scared to death to tell this woman her real feelings about her anxiety, church, me, neglect, and much much more. So what? That is where I finally am; Just so what... My step-son is a Mama's boy through and through, I am the devil to him most of the time for that very reason. Buuuut, we have our tender moments too, laughs, hugs, great conversations, I love you's and sweet little notes...and always have. He feels so guilty for loving me, and knowing that, I allow him to just be. If he wants to love on me he can, if not, that's ok too. Bio-mom and I will never see eye to eye. We are morally, spiritually, and mentally existing in two totally separate universes. This, the children know. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was a kind person like I was, and just wanted her kids to be happy as she always claimed. The disclaimer there was happy with HER, at HER house. As time has gone on, I could cite innumerable instances of jealous, guilt ridden, competitive, juvenile, passive-aggressive behavior, using the kids as pawns and mouthpieces. What I came to realize is love conquers all. It just doesn't matter. As much as she tries, and many times succeeds, in sabotaging our family dynamic, I still stand behind love, kindness, genuine communication and the power of a praying step-mom. Sometimes I just chuckle with pity for her, other times I wanna throw things. What on earth did I get myself into?
So on the eve of Maya going into High School and little Noah going into 6th grade, the time, days, minutes, seconds, just seem so precious. They are growing up right before our very eyes, and I don't wanna miss the good stuff. The negativity I have learned to live with, and ignore. In the meantime, the children tell their mom what she wants to hear for attention, they throw me under the bus, and most times their Dad too. And we continue to smile and love them - no matter what. This cannot be taken away. The real Christ-like love we are all supposed to be showing to one another is unconditional. While I have not received unconditional love and support from my own biological parents, I have learned through that hurt that these precious children, bestowed to me by God, need our unconditional love and support. A great caring friend reminded me the other day when we were dealing with yet another scenario of outright lies spoken against us, that I can never relent on being who I am. She was so right on, and I appreciated her boldness and passionate plea--not that I was giving up anyway...ha. Sadly, there are things going on that we are aware of that are very sad, and knowing that; they need us even more. I will never be their mom, I don't want to be. I do love being their stepmom, it's a joy in my heart. It's hard continually being made out as someone you aren't, but I know that in the long run, goodness always prevails. I would not trade one second of this life. My stepdaughter told me when she was 10, in tears, in the middle of my bed, that she wished that I could be her mom. The sweetness of that statement absolutely brought me to tears, I assured her that I would love it if she was my daughter too. I also assured her that God gave her the Mom that she has for a reason, and her Dad too. I told her that I believe God allowed her to have a relationship with myself and her stepfather as a wonderful bonus. I did the right thing, as I could have never mentioned anything about her mom and that importance. I will never forget that conversation as long as I live. It was enough. ...And no matter whatever happens, I will always be their step-mom who loves them, unconditionally.

If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31


{sidenote: Maya just came out of her room, can't sleep and asked me if we could talk. She's very nervous about her first day of high school, we talked, I reminded her of what a beautiful, special kid she is...and to not shoot death ray looks to others (she does this to cope with her social anxiety, a natural repellent of sorts) and she will be fine. After sharing a bite of leftover spaghetti pie we agreed we will pray in the morning over breakfast about her day. She just climbed back up to her top bunk, and yelled, "I love you" to me in the family room...I love you too, Maya}

Do Something

He must become greater; I must become less.
John 3:30

http://www.innercityoutreach.net/

http://raphahouse.org/

http://www.ijm.org/

http://www.activewater.org/

http://www.volunteermatch.org/

http://www.polarisproject.org/

http://www.prisonersofgreed.org/kennel-examples.html

http://www.humantrafficking.org/combat_trafficking/advocacy

http://www.casaswmo.org/Default.aspx

Our Peace

Horrible, evil, mean-spirited, unkind, immature, insecure, hateful, user, unhappy, lonely, childish, silly, sad, pathetic, ridiculous, mentally ill, manipulative, liar, damaging, jealous, lazy, self-serving, spineless, morally bankrupt, untrustworthy, competitive, self-righteous, brainwasher, flakey, in denial, frustrated, and pitied.

Do you know anyone like this? If you do...make sure that you do not cease in praying for them, and NEVER give up on His justice and mercy. It leaves peace to be able to rest and go about our lives in the midst of insanity. The devil attacks us and our loved ones through people that posess these qualities, and then Jesus settles our matters for us. We never have to do anything other than pray, isn't that freeing? What a wonderful peace that brings. It's taken me years to learn this, and with the "peace that transcends all understanding" (Philipians 4:6-7) our anger is taken from us, and we know that once we turn it all over to God, that it's His to deal with, we just have to keep being a good person, and stay faithful.

Romans 12:14-21 says:
Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”
Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Furthermore, Christian author, Lewis Smedes says:
When you give up vengeance, make sure you are not giving up on justice. The line between the two is faint, unsteady, and fine...Vengeance is our own pleasure of seeing someone who hurt us getting it back and then some. Justice, on the other hand, is secure when someone pays a fair penalty for wronging another even if the injured person takes no pleasure in the transaction. Vengeance is personal satisfaction. Justice is moral accounting...Human forgiveness does not do away with human justice.