Understanding Obedience

Noah seems to be going through this phase where he really thinks he knows everything, he is rarely wrong, above correction and rules the roost. Well, of course, this undoubtedly keeps causing him some issues because he is not the center of the universe, and as much as he is super funny and smart, sometimes a nifty little dose of reality is in order. I remember when Maya, at 10 or 11 went through this too. It's a hard lesson in obedience. As children we strive so hard for someone to give us some credit for knowing something. We wanted to show those dang adults that we "know"...sometimes more than them!!!

It's been hard to blog lately. Just haven't felt very peaceful, spiritual, or like anything I had to say would be anything but total negativity. Lots of things happen in life that can really hurt our hearts. I know what I need to be doing, but am having a hard time with "obedience" myself. I feel rebellious, angry, frustrated, sad. Without going into great detail about my pity party...I am just hurt; hurt beyond earthly repair by my family (Mom and Dad). Not sure what to do with that hurt. I have prayed, actually alot, about this hurt. It's not going away. It's a hindrance to my daily existence right now. I hate feeling this way. I am a very happy person usually; someone once told me my happiness and positivity was "infectious". I considered that to be the most flattering of compliments...to be a person others want to be around, a happy person, how nice. That has not been Sarah, sadly for awhile now. I am struggling with the concept of obedience. I want to get the toxic, poisonous words spoken to me out of my head. I want to have selective amnesia and forget all the pain caused to me by my family. Alas, none of these are realistic options. Satan has been at work chipping away on my sad parents for years, until finally, they are comfortable in their own concept of reality...which is so different that what the world is really like. I've been devastated by Satan's grip into their lives. I am needing to move on now. Move on and obey God, and His will in my life and let everything with my family play out however God sees fit...and TRUST that. *sigh* The finality of all this is really hurting my heart. Living with disappointment is nothing new, but has taken on a whole new genre of pain because there is no relationship to be salvaged anymore, and I have been given a very final goodbye by them. This goodbye has broken my heart. I again, am turning to God and seeking His divine guidance out of sadness and desperation.
In my sincere desire to find some comfort in all this, I took a sec. and looked up the word obedient, just to see if maybe I had missed something in all my wrestling with my will (hurt, anger, sadness) vs. God's will...

Okay, the BEST part of this are the synonyms and their meanings, very interesting!

Main Entry: obe·di·ent
Function: adjective
Date: 13th century : submissive to the restraint or command of authority : willing to obey
synonyms obedient, docile, tractable, amenable mean submissive to the will of another. obedient implies compliance with the demands or requests of one in authority.
docile implies a predisposition to submit readily to control or guidance .
tractable suggests having a character that permits easy handling or managing .
amenable suggests a willingness to yield or to cooperate either because of a desire to be agreeable or because of a natural open-mindedness.


Um...wow. How am I docile, tractable, amenable...obedient? Usually these adjectives are not really positive...usually demonstrating weakness, timidity, and a lack of independent thinking. Not necessarily adjectives I would typically use to describe myself. Further bringing home the reality of "dying to oneself" and it's real importance and meaning. Boy, I have a long way to go...this concept is so beautiful, and in my opinion, the HARDEST to demonstrate real obedience. Holy cow, I am spiritually an infant *insert pacifier*. Then I looked up "dying to oneself". Here is what I found, wincing from my own selfish nature all the while reading it:


When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely made to feel like nothing, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When your good is spoken of as evil, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving silence.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when you stand face-to-face with waste, lack of good sense, extravagance, spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you are content with any food, any offering, any climate, any society, any clothing, any interruption by the will of God.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF


When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart.
THAT IS DYING TO SELF


"That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death." Phil.3:10

After reading all that, I felt about as tall as an ant, but the concept is clear. Am I able to put aside Sarah and her misery long enough to even give thought to this? --To be obedient? Wow. Much in the same manner as my 11 year old step-son is on a quest for someone to validate his "grown-upness" and his righteous knowledge, I too long for parents that understand me and validate the way I long to be loved, unconditionally. But after reading what I found, I understand that if I am truly to die to myself, only my heavenly Father's unconditional love is what is really important, and my earthly parent's love(or lack thereof) is insignificant in comparison. I am asking God to humble my spirit to lay aside the hurt. I get it, God, message received loud and clear. I am praying for openness, obedience, and peace in my heart and the hurt to fade into love and acceptance of my situation. That's alot to pray for....I mean ALOT. Thank goodness God is so big he knows all of my abundant needs.

On another note, I am blessed with friends that have been most wonderful, with ears to listen to me vent my upset feelings, and keep me laughing through my tears, all the while praying for me. I only hope that I can be the same kind of friend to them as they have been to me when they need me. I am here and so grateful. Mind you, these cool, little feisty friends of mine have their own pain, sadness, and hurt too...yet still have time for little-'ol-me; pretty awesome, that whole concept of friendship. God has worked through these ladies, what a blessing. ...And we have enjoyed some cake a few times too (maybe a few too many??)! ;)
In looking for a new status for the church's Facebook I ran across a neat quote that I like. I'd like to hope that I am open-minded enough to grasp it in it's entirety.

If we want the Word of God to have authority in our life, there is only one way - obey it. If we want the Holy Spirit to have authority in our life, there is only one way - Obey Him. If we always obey impulses of fear or doubt or resentment, what will have authority over our minds? Fear, and doubt and resentment.
~Tom Marshall

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does.
James 1:25