Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
b.l.o.g.
I have really had a hard time lately focusing and trying to make one blog entry, I think of ideas, thoughts, topics, and so on, lately that I just wanna get down through my fingers to the keyboard, but they just jumble into more important tasks, or get put on the back-burner. I have 7 drafts started right now...needless to say, am lacking blog focus. I have little (ok not so little, but they will always be in my mind) munchkins that are coming home here soon after being gone for a week, and I like to give them my undivided attention when they walk in the door, so this will be short. Just an admission that my blogging abilities of late, pretty much suck. I'll be back soon...maybe 34 years of age will bring me some focus. Here's Noah...time to visit!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Happy 2011
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. Use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. Be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge sink in and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love."
~unknown
~unknown
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas
When we focus on what we have, instead of what we don't, we become grateful and filled with joy. That is my wish for everyone this Christmas Eve. Peace, joy, and gratitude. The birth of a baby boy fulfilled it all. Jesus is the ultimate Christmas gift. This Christmas I am praying for those that don't know our King to find Him and worship Him. For those that do know Him, but have forgotten His promises, renewal. Merry Christmas to all, safe travels, and warm, generous hearts for a new 2011.
love to all,
Sarah
love to all,
Sarah
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Redefining Christmas
Friday, November 5, 2010
Get it?
Do you ever just marvel at your ever changing reality? Life is not what I thought it would be...and I am not saying this as a bad thing, just a fact. I rather like my life, for the most part. People come in and out of your life. People you thought would be there forever leave, people you thought would be temporary, stay, children change, you figure out who they are is not who you thought they were, or get confirmation that they are actually who you always knew they were. This is all just random rambling unless you know the ins and outs of my life. However, I am still just so totally bewildered by our ever changing inner-connectedness. It's pretty amazing, all this inner-"woven-ness". We all change, some for the better, some not much, and some alot, but everyone eventually changes. We all connect like a big dot to dot grid, some lines are erased and others just continue to connect to more dots. Nothing really stays the same, friendships evolve or fade, spouse relationships deepen, trust in others comes and goes, those we respect amaze or dissapoint us. Even our thoughts, opinions, goals, dreams and wants change with age, maturity, realizations, and education. Nothing is forever, except for Christ's love for us and hopefully our love for Him. So if that is the one constant, in a world of ever-changing variables, why do we fight the changes? Because change is uncomfortable, so is personal growth, so is letting go, giving up, and knowing when to fight. Isn't this all just a lesson in adaptation, maturation, and age? Aren't we supposed to be learning and maybe taking some very important notes as we go? How do so many people go through this life and still not "get it"? Am I "getting it"? Only time will tell.
Just for me
Sometimes God just drops in your lap something you need to hear:
There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery can disillusion Him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me. There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow-men do not see (and I am glad!), and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself (which, in all conscience, is enough). There is, however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, He wants me as His friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.
-James I (J. I.) Packer
There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery can disillusion Him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench His determination to bless me. There is, certainly, great cause for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow-men do not see (and I am glad!), and that He sees more corruption in me than that which I see in myself (which, in all conscience, is enough). There is, however, equally great incentive to worship and love God in the thought that, for some unfathomable reason, He wants me as His friend, and desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me in order to realize this purpose.
-James I (J. I.) Packer
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
'Tis Upon Us
Do you ever feel like you have so much to say you just don't even know where to begin?? That was the month of October for me, packed full of stuff, not really bad, or great, just stuff. Which is why I had one measley entry here during that month, which was not even something I wrote. Ugh... So instead of beginning...on anything I have to say. I shall just start November anew. The holidays are once again upon us, and while I am trying to muster some excitement, I am starting to feel they are overrated. I love to decorate for the holidays, that will probably not change, but it's just one day in November, and one day in December, and then boom, the New Year; which, may I add, will mark one year of blogging for me. Yippee!
Ah...Holidays. Cooking the whole Thanksgiving meal by myself, the stress of finding gifts for kids that have everything, my dwindling Christmas card list, and the rememberance that I have no family to celebrate with. Oh goody. Well, to be more positive, I WILL find some good in the upcoming Holidays this year, just not sure where yet. Most likely in doing for others and focusing on my husband and friends, those things always bring me joy. Might need a cattle prod, but I WILL get there. Remind me of this.
Ah...Holidays. Cooking the whole Thanksgiving meal by myself, the stress of finding gifts for kids that have everything, my dwindling Christmas card list, and the rememberance that I have no family to celebrate with. Oh goody. Well, to be more positive, I WILL find some good in the upcoming Holidays this year, just not sure where yet. Most likely in doing for others and focusing on my husband and friends, those things always bring me joy. Might need a cattle prod, but I WILL get there. Remind me of this.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Lorica
I arise today Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgement of doom.
..... I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
Patrick of Ireland
Through a belief in the Threeness,
Through confession of the Oneness
Of the Creator of creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth and His baptism,
Through the strength of His crucifixion and His burial,
Through the strength of His resurrection and His ascension,
Through the strength of His descent for the judgement of doom.
..... I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
From snares of the devil,
From temptations of vices,
From every one who desires me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a multitude.
Patrick of Ireland
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My Mimi
I got to actually see my Mimi this month. It was a great visit, and as her memory faded in and out, it reminded me that time is short and precious. It was a blessing to get to see her for more reasons than one!! :)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
September 16th is Stepfamily Day!
Happy National Step-family Day!
I Am Their Stepmother
I am their stepmother,
And I am proud to be,
God has given me this important job,
And it is Him I aim to please.
I am their stepmother,
A promise to them I have made,
To guide them and protect them,
And to teach them in God's ways.
I am their stepmother,
In some ways different,
Some the same,
No matter how I'm seen by the outside world,
I always know my place.
I am their stepmother,
Their father's partner for life,
I will show them God's love,
in the face of momentary strife.
I am their stepmother,
I will struggle,
And I will cry.
When their innocence is threatened,
I will stand,
And I will fight.
For they are the future,
They are precious,
They are worthy,
And I will try,
To give them everything within my power,
Everything that is right.
I understand if I receive no credit,
I am prepared to accept all blame,
All the wonderful joys of having a place in their lives,
Are worth all the tears and pain.
They have taught me the meaning of selfless love,
The value of every second of life.
I am so blessed to see the world,
And myself,
Through my step-children's eyes.
-Poem from Southernshellegirl's blog
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Testing 123
Now I can blog from my phone! Pix and all!! Woot!
Trying this out
Sent from Sarah's iPhone
Trying this out
Sent from Sarah's iPhone
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
@!$#%&*@&#^*&%*@#%$&*%@$
Well, yeah so here's my thing today... I have slipped back into potty-mouthedness, yep it's a word. Maybe just my word. Not that I have ever completely kicked the potty-mouth...infact, I just curb it's influx of nastiness, but it usually remains just under the surface. Just sneak up and scare me, and see what comes out of my mouth. Having kids around every other week has made me aware of my use of such words. On weeks they are home, I find myself using what I can best describe as replacement words. Motherfudgekins, shazam, shootfire, poopface, crappenhagen, doody-brown, bullshizzle, bootyhead, turd-licker, fart-knockers, jackwad, stinky potty-tush, among many others. Then when I hear the kids repeat these stupid words, I feel even worse. Great, way to go step-mom (guess it's better than the alternative). When the kids are not home, I find myself using the big-girl words that I incorporated into my vocabulary around age 11. I really hate it at times because I will be talking to a friend, letting them know I am praying for them, or talking about my love for Jesus, or the miracles that have been worked in my life; then fast forward the conversation about 5 minutes to the next subject and I am dropping bombs like Hiroshima. What is that?? It's like I can't find any more effective nouns, adjectives or adverbs to get my point across? HELP! So I feel like I should start eff-bombs anonymous. Hi, my name is Sarah and I curse my face off. Hello, Sarah. I have knocked lots of other non-productive vices in my life, why is this one so ingrained into my language? I have tried to do the whole curse jar thing...that's a joke, I just end up with lots of my $$ in a jar...so what? A reward to go buy something special for cursing like a sailor? -Sweet. So I guess, just pray for my potty-mouth because it certainly is NOT a true reflection of what's in my heart. I'm pretty frustrated with my lack of verbal discipline. Grrr.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Armchair Time-Machine
Rain, sweet rain is here. Thank you, Lord. It's another day, Wednesday actually! It's September 1st and I'm itching to get out the Fall stuff! My hubby is going to be 35 here in 2 weeks...wow. You always hear people talk about time, especially older people, going faster and faster as the years pass. When I was younger I would just roll my eyes and think, ah, there's lots of time for everything. Now in my early-mid thirties...well, I am realizing it's true, the old people knew their stuff and I am becoming one of them. We have been letting Maya drive the Element in parking lots and around a few residential areas...wow again. Maya 14 and 1/2...driving. This time next year she will be driving us with her permit. Oh boy. Gonna hafta hem that all up in prayer...lots and lots and lots...and maybe some anti-anxiety meds.
I was thinking about 10 years ago what I was doing at this time, September 1, 2000 today and sharing that with David. I was getting out of a really dysfunctional relationship I had been in for 2 and 1/2 years, and relishing being single. I was bitter, skeptical, distrustful. My relationship with God was not where it should be, but I was trying to live honestly. I prayed sporadically, I didn't go to church. I was a smoker, smoking about a pack a day. I had 4 years clean under my belt. I was hanging with friends, discussing politics, current events, and still educating myself on how and why things work the way they do in our world. I was getting ready to move into my friend's boyfriend's rental house. I was really excited to get out of my triplex, to get a pet, and get into a nicer neighborhood in Springfield. I was working at ATT and was fresh out of training, making big money in "smits", our incentive card. Ha...how that would be a joke towards the end of my employment in 2006. I had in my mind a plan to start school again, after all, I already had 2 years under my belt. ATT and the money I was making, way more than my college grad friends, quickly made me realize, I could make more working there than finishing my degree. How sad. The allure of bonuses, and quick cash, was too enticing. I had just gotten a "Rachel from Friends" haircut...layers and such, but with my dark hair ended up looking more like Monica Lewinsky who was still fresh in people's minds. I had never ever used color on my hair at this point. Ha! I rarely cooked, I went out to eat with friends almost every night and was addicted to Bangkok City Thai food during this time. Ah, some Pad Thai Woon Sen, 3 stars! I loved sushi, but could rarely afford to eat it. I was much smaller than I am now. I had a membership at Ozarks Fitness, and was working out twice a day before work, and after. I went out to Jordan Creek sometimes on the weekends, or Remington's on ladies night Thursdays. I loved to dance. I would hang out with Kelley sometimes at her peach colored house on John street, Kaitlyn was still a baby, and loved Teletubbies, and I loved watching them right along with them. Most of my friends had kids, and I longed for that too, but the right guy had to come first. I was driving a maroon Toyota Camry and blasting my "burnt" mix Cd's as loudly as possible; Counting Crows, Fiona Apple, Outkast, CeeLo, Blink 182 and Limp Biskit among many more I can't even remember. I had dial-up internet through a small provider and a Nokia analog cell phone the size of my head...recently upgraded from my killer blue pager. I was carrying a Dooney and Bourke purse and loving chenile turtleneck sweaters, tigh pants under them, and blunt toed zipper boots, I had all colors, brown, red, black, even black and silver rocker boots! Most of my home decor came from Big Lots and the Dollar Tree. I would occasionally treat myself to a few clearance items from Pier One, at that time, that was the ONLY cool home decor store in Springfield. I pretty much watched MTV non stop when my TV was on, the Real World was my favorite show. My favorite movies were Reality Bites and Titanic. I was a pretty happy girl, but I really lacked and longed for that one special person in my life, and little did I know, that in 13 months, I would meet him, and I would be happier and more in love than I'd ever dreamed. Alot has happened, and changed in 10 years; kids, dogs, marriage, tumors, deaths, successes, failures, church, community, buying and selling homes, cars, employment for "the man", to becoming "the man" in self-employment, technology, good times, bad times, and everything in between. INSANE.
My entire point in examining this mini-time warp is to glorify our God. I don't smoke anymore. I am still friends with Kelley. I am married to the man of my dreams. I do not have to work at a job that I hate. I am a stepmom to two bright, funny, amazing children. I have better friends now than I have ever had. I have the time to give back to my community. I have an active relationship with God and involved at church. My attire, home, clothing, lifestyle, have all been upgraded. I am self-employed and loving it with our growing photography business. I still enjoy music, I don't go dancing anymore, I still enjoy Thai food, and tons of other ethnic yumminess. I can even cook--I have even plumped up :( ! Could I have envisioned what 10 years would bring? Nope. Not even if I tried.
In the last 10 years, there have been some very bad, very sad times in there as well, it's not all been peaches and roses and sunshine, make no mistake. I have had my share of really crappy moments, decisions, and hurts. I am not at all trying to pretend my life has been some grand fairytale of giddy, make-you-wanna-barf moments, but rather focus more attention to the positive blessings and realize they outweigh the dreariness by far. God carries us through the ugly stuff, as well as the great stuff. And I realize, He's always been by my side, even when I wasn't asking Him to be there. I'm so grateful, because I CAN see what my life COULD have been. So I'm thinking of 10 years from now; what will that bring? Imagine! ;) Glory to God in the highest!
I was thinking about 10 years ago what I was doing at this time, September 1, 2000 today and sharing that with David. I was getting out of a really dysfunctional relationship I had been in for 2 and 1/2 years, and relishing being single. I was bitter, skeptical, distrustful. My relationship with God was not where it should be, but I was trying to live honestly. I prayed sporadically, I didn't go to church. I was a smoker, smoking about a pack a day. I had 4 years clean under my belt. I was hanging with friends, discussing politics, current events, and still educating myself on how and why things work the way they do in our world. I was getting ready to move into my friend's boyfriend's rental house. I was really excited to get out of my triplex, to get a pet, and get into a nicer neighborhood in Springfield. I was working at ATT and was fresh out of training, making big money in "smits", our incentive card. Ha...how that would be a joke towards the end of my employment in 2006. I had in my mind a plan to start school again, after all, I already had 2 years under my belt. ATT and the money I was making, way more than my college grad friends, quickly made me realize, I could make more working there than finishing my degree. How sad. The allure of bonuses, and quick cash, was too enticing. I had just gotten a "Rachel from Friends" haircut...layers and such, but with my dark hair ended up looking more like Monica Lewinsky who was still fresh in people's minds. I had never ever used color on my hair at this point. Ha! I rarely cooked, I went out to eat with friends almost every night and was addicted to Bangkok City Thai food during this time. Ah, some Pad Thai Woon Sen, 3 stars! I loved sushi, but could rarely afford to eat it. I was much smaller than I am now. I had a membership at Ozarks Fitness, and was working out twice a day before work, and after. I went out to Jordan Creek sometimes on the weekends, or Remington's on ladies night Thursdays. I loved to dance. I would hang out with Kelley sometimes at her peach colored house on John street, Kaitlyn was still a baby, and loved Teletubbies, and I loved watching them right along with them. Most of my friends had kids, and I longed for that too, but the right guy had to come first. I was driving a maroon Toyota Camry and blasting my "burnt" mix Cd's as loudly as possible; Counting Crows, Fiona Apple, Outkast, CeeLo, Blink 182 and Limp Biskit among many more I can't even remember. I had dial-up internet through a small provider and a Nokia analog cell phone the size of my head...recently upgraded from my killer blue pager. I was carrying a Dooney and Bourke purse and loving chenile turtleneck sweaters, tigh pants under them, and blunt toed zipper boots, I had all colors, brown, red, black, even black and silver rocker boots! Most of my home decor came from Big Lots and the Dollar Tree. I would occasionally treat myself to a few clearance items from Pier One, at that time, that was the ONLY cool home decor store in Springfield. I pretty much watched MTV non stop when my TV was on, the Real World was my favorite show. My favorite movies were Reality Bites and Titanic. I was a pretty happy girl, but I really lacked and longed for that one special person in my life, and little did I know, that in 13 months, I would meet him, and I would be happier and more in love than I'd ever dreamed. Alot has happened, and changed in 10 years; kids, dogs, marriage, tumors, deaths, successes, failures, church, community, buying and selling homes, cars, employment for "the man", to becoming "the man" in self-employment, technology, good times, bad times, and everything in between. INSANE.
My entire point in examining this mini-time warp is to glorify our God. I don't smoke anymore. I am still friends with Kelley. I am married to the man of my dreams. I do not have to work at a job that I hate. I am a stepmom to two bright, funny, amazing children. I have better friends now than I have ever had. I have the time to give back to my community. I have an active relationship with God and involved at church. My attire, home, clothing, lifestyle, have all been upgraded. I am self-employed and loving it with our growing photography business. I still enjoy music, I don't go dancing anymore, I still enjoy Thai food, and tons of other ethnic yumminess. I can even cook--I have even plumped up :( ! Could I have envisioned what 10 years would bring? Nope. Not even if I tried.
In the last 10 years, there have been some very bad, very sad times in there as well, it's not all been peaches and roses and sunshine, make no mistake. I have had my share of really crappy moments, decisions, and hurts. I am not at all trying to pretend my life has been some grand fairytale of giddy, make-you-wanna-barf moments, but rather focus more attention to the positive blessings and realize they outweigh the dreariness by far. God carries us through the ugly stuff, as well as the great stuff. And I realize, He's always been by my side, even when I wasn't asking Him to be there. I'm so grateful, because I CAN see what my life COULD have been. So I'm thinking of 10 years from now; what will that bring? Imagine! ;) Glory to God in the highest!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Are you who you want to be?
This is your Life
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
and you had everything to lose
-Switchfoot
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
and you had everything to lose
-Switchfoot
Monday, August 16, 2010
Step-mommin' it on the real
I don't write about my relationship with my step-kids often. It's a delicate situation in which, if you know me well, you know the deal, the drama, and the way we choose to handle our situation. If you don't, well, you see us on the outside, smiling in pictures, doing normal family stuff, attending church, eating out, going to a movie. Most of the time, it's pretty normal, but the reality is, step-parenting sucks alot of the time. Period. If I have to explain why, well, you might as well stop reading now. I often have referred to myself in conversation with friends as the "Betty Crocker" of step-moms, not because I am conceited, or just enjoy tooting my own horn, but rather, the fact that I care deeply, love even more deeply, and have been really pretty darn awesome to my step-kids through the almost 9 years I have been in their lives. Again, if you know our family, you know exactly of what I speak, there's no need to elaborate. I have known a few step-moms in the past that hate their step-kids and really treat them as if they are lepers in their own homes. This is not the case around here--in fact, that's laughable. I have other really kind step-mom friends, as well as visiting the "Second Wives Cafe" and the "Childless Step-moms" on-line communities, that remind me I am not alone, the things I am dealing with and going through are not specific to me. Universally speaking, most divorced bio-moms (but not all--wink wink) resent and are extremely jealous and competitive with step-moms. We are a threat. Did you know that? That we step-mothers are trying to replace you? This seems to be the common misconception, that if we actually love and form bonds with their children, that we are scary and evil and objects of gossip, negativity, and contempt. While I do love my step-kids dearly, I realize and respect the importance of their healthy relationships with their bio-parents. What kind of horrible person would I be to ever come between that? I'll tell you what: the perfunctory evil stepmother.
Most of the time, I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't in my situation. So I throw caution to the wind, and know that deep down the children love me, and I love them, and that's enough, to heck with the rest. So what if my step-daughter has to hide our relationship from her mother and only text me sporadically then delete them, so mom won't see that we have been talking. So what? So what if she is scared to death to tell this woman her real feelings about her anxiety, church, me, neglect, and much much more. So what? That is where I finally am; Just so what... My step-son is a Mama's boy through and through, I am the devil to him most of the time for that very reason. Buuuut, we have our tender moments too, laughs, hugs, great conversations, I love you's and sweet little notes...and always have. He feels so guilty for loving me, and knowing that, I allow him to just be. If he wants to love on me he can, if not, that's ok too. Bio-mom and I will never see eye to eye. We are morally, spiritually, and mentally existing in two totally separate universes. This, the children know. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was a kind person like I was, and just wanted her kids to be happy as she always claimed. The disclaimer there was happy with HER, at HER house. As time has gone on, I could cite innumerable instances of jealous, guilt ridden, competitive, juvenile, passive-aggressive behavior, using the kids as pawns and mouthpieces. What I came to realize is love conquers all. It just doesn't matter. As much as she tries, and many times succeeds, in sabotaging our family dynamic, I still stand behind love, kindness, genuine communication and the power of a praying step-mom. Sometimes I just chuckle with pity for her, other times I wanna throw things. What on earth did I get myself into?
So on the eve of Maya going into High School and little Noah going into 6th grade, the time, days, minutes, seconds, just seem so precious. They are growing up right before our very eyes, and I don't wanna miss the good stuff. The negativity I have learned to live with, and ignore. In the meantime, the children tell their mom what she wants to hear for attention, they throw me under the bus, and most times their Dad too. And we continue to smile and love them - no matter what. This cannot be taken away. The real Christ-like love we are all supposed to be showing to one another is unconditional. While I have not received unconditional love and support from my own biological parents, I have learned through that hurt that these precious children, bestowed to me by God, need our unconditional love and support. A great caring friend reminded me the other day when we were dealing with yet another scenario of outright lies spoken against us, that I can never relent on being who I am. She was so right on, and I appreciated her boldness and passionate plea--not that I was giving up anyway...ha. Sadly, there are things going on that we are aware of that are very sad, and knowing that; they need us even more. I will never be their mom, I don't want to be. I do love being their stepmom, it's a joy in my heart. It's hard continually being made out as someone you aren't, but I know that in the long run, goodness always prevails. I would not trade one second of this life. My stepdaughter told me when she was 10, in tears, in the middle of my bed, that she wished that I could be her mom. The sweetness of that statement absolutely brought me to tears, I assured her that I would love it if she was my daughter too. I also assured her that God gave her the Mom that she has for a reason, and her Dad too. I told her that I believe God allowed her to have a relationship with myself and her stepfather as a wonderful bonus. I did the right thing, as I could have never mentioned anything about her mom and that importance. I will never forget that conversation as long as I live. It was enough. ...And no matter whatever happens, I will always be their step-mom who loves them, unconditionally.
If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31
{sidenote: Maya just came out of her room, can't sleep and asked me if we could talk. She's very nervous about her first day of high school, we talked, I reminded her of what a beautiful, special kid she is...and to not shoot death ray looks to others (she does this to cope with her social anxiety, a natural repellent of sorts) and she will be fine. After sharing a bite of leftover spaghetti pie we agreed we will pray in the morning over breakfast about her day. She just climbed back up to her top bunk, and yelled, "I love you" to me in the family room...I love you too, Maya}
Most of the time, I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't in my situation. So I throw caution to the wind, and know that deep down the children love me, and I love them, and that's enough, to heck with the rest. So what if my step-daughter has to hide our relationship from her mother and only text me sporadically then delete them, so mom won't see that we have been talking. So what? So what if she is scared to death to tell this woman her real feelings about her anxiety, church, me, neglect, and much much more. So what? That is where I finally am; Just so what... My step-son is a Mama's boy through and through, I am the devil to him most of the time for that very reason. Buuuut, we have our tender moments too, laughs, hugs, great conversations, I love you's and sweet little notes...and always have. He feels so guilty for loving me, and knowing that, I allow him to just be. If he wants to love on me he can, if not, that's ok too. Bio-mom and I will never see eye to eye. We are morally, spiritually, and mentally existing in two totally separate universes. This, the children know. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was a kind person like I was, and just wanted her kids to be happy as she always claimed. The disclaimer there was happy with HER, at HER house. As time has gone on, I could cite innumerable instances of jealous, guilt ridden, competitive, juvenile, passive-aggressive behavior, using the kids as pawns and mouthpieces. What I came to realize is love conquers all. It just doesn't matter. As much as she tries, and many times succeeds, in sabotaging our family dynamic, I still stand behind love, kindness, genuine communication and the power of a praying step-mom. Sometimes I just chuckle with pity for her, other times I wanna throw things. What on earth did I get myself into?
So on the eve of Maya going into High School and little Noah going into 6th grade, the time, days, minutes, seconds, just seem so precious. They are growing up right before our very eyes, and I don't wanna miss the good stuff. The negativity I have learned to live with, and ignore. In the meantime, the children tell their mom what she wants to hear for attention, they throw me under the bus, and most times their Dad too. And we continue to smile and love them - no matter what. This cannot be taken away. The real Christ-like love we are all supposed to be showing to one another is unconditional. While I have not received unconditional love and support from my own biological parents, I have learned through that hurt that these precious children, bestowed to me by God, need our unconditional love and support. A great caring friend reminded me the other day when we were dealing with yet another scenario of outright lies spoken against us, that I can never relent on being who I am. She was so right on, and I appreciated her boldness and passionate plea--not that I was giving up anyway...ha. Sadly, there are things going on that we are aware of that are very sad, and knowing that; they need us even more. I will never be their mom, I don't want to be. I do love being their stepmom, it's a joy in my heart. It's hard continually being made out as someone you aren't, but I know that in the long run, goodness always prevails. I would not trade one second of this life. My stepdaughter told me when she was 10, in tears, in the middle of my bed, that she wished that I could be her mom. The sweetness of that statement absolutely brought me to tears, I assured her that I would love it if she was my daughter too. I also assured her that God gave her the Mom that she has for a reason, and her Dad too. I told her that I believe God allowed her to have a relationship with myself and her stepfather as a wonderful bonus. I did the right thing, as I could have never mentioned anything about her mom and that importance. I will never forget that conversation as long as I live. It was enough. ...And no matter whatever happens, I will always be their step-mom who loves them, unconditionally.
If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31
{sidenote: Maya just came out of her room, can't sleep and asked me if we could talk. She's very nervous about her first day of high school, we talked, I reminded her of what a beautiful, special kid she is...and to not shoot death ray looks to others (she does this to cope with her social anxiety, a natural repellent of sorts) and she will be fine. After sharing a bite of leftover spaghetti pie we agreed we will pray in the morning over breakfast about her day. She just climbed back up to her top bunk, and yelled, "I love you" to me in the family room...I love you too, Maya}
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Do Something
He must become greater; I must become less.
John 3:30
http://www.innercityoutreach.net/
http://raphahouse.org/
http://www.ijm.org/
http://www.activewater.org/
http://www.volunteermatch.org/
http://www.polarisproject.org/
http://www.prisonersofgreed.org/kennel-examples.html
http://www.humantrafficking.org/combat_trafficking/advocacy
http://www.casaswmo.org/Default.aspx
John 3:30
http://www.innercityoutreach.net/
http://raphahouse.org/
http://www.ijm.org/
http://www.activewater.org/
http://www.volunteermatch.org/
http://www.polarisproject.org/
http://www.prisonersofgreed.org/kennel-examples.html
http://www.humantrafficking.org/combat_trafficking/advocacy
http://www.casaswmo.org/Default.aspx
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Our Peace
Horrible, evil, mean-spirited, unkind, immature, insecure, hateful, user, unhappy, lonely, childish, silly, sad, pathetic, ridiculous, mentally ill, manipulative, liar, damaging, jealous, lazy, self-serving, spineless, morally bankrupt, untrustworthy, competitive, self-righteous, brainwasher, flakey, in denial, frustrated, and pitied.
Do you know anyone like this? If you do...make sure that you do not cease in praying for them, and NEVER give up on His justice and mercy. It leaves peace to be able to rest and go about our lives in the midst of insanity. The devil attacks us and our loved ones through people that posess these qualities, and then Jesus settles our matters for us. We never have to do anything other than pray, isn't that freeing? What a wonderful peace that brings. It's taken me years to learn this, and with the "peace that transcends all understanding" (Philipians 4:6-7) our anger is taken from us, and we know that once we turn it all over to God, that it's His to deal with, we just have to keep being a good person, and stay faithful.
Romans 12:14-21 says:
Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”
Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Furthermore, Christian author, Lewis Smedes says:
When you give up vengeance, make sure you are not giving up on justice. The line between the two is faint, unsteady, and fine...Vengeance is our own pleasure of seeing someone who hurt us getting it back and then some. Justice, on the other hand, is secure when someone pays a fair penalty for wronging another even if the injured person takes no pleasure in the transaction. Vengeance is personal satisfaction. Justice is moral accounting...Human forgiveness does not do away with human justice.
Do you know anyone like this? If you do...make sure that you do not cease in praying for them, and NEVER give up on His justice and mercy. It leaves peace to be able to rest and go about our lives in the midst of insanity. The devil attacks us and our loved ones through people that posess these qualities, and then Jesus settles our matters for us. We never have to do anything other than pray, isn't that freeing? What a wonderful peace that brings. It's taken me years to learn this, and with the "peace that transcends all understanding" (Philipians 4:6-7) our anger is taken from us, and we know that once we turn it all over to God, that it's His to deal with, we just have to keep being a good person, and stay faithful.
Romans 12:14-21 says:
Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the Lord.
Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”
Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.
Furthermore, Christian author, Lewis Smedes says:
When you give up vengeance, make sure you are not giving up on justice. The line between the two is faint, unsteady, and fine...Vengeance is our own pleasure of seeing someone who hurt us getting it back and then some. Justice, on the other hand, is secure when someone pays a fair penalty for wronging another even if the injured person takes no pleasure in the transaction. Vengeance is personal satisfaction. Justice is moral accounting...Human forgiveness does not do away with human justice.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Becoming Whole
Deep within there is a glorious and terrible empty space - loneliness. It is out of sight, pushing us to our best and to our worst. Behind every effort to make a friend - Behind ambition - Behind pride - Behind gossip - Behind memories of your mother's kitchen - Loneliness. We were created with the space carefully planted in our hearts. God created us with the loneliness that moves the heart to others, the loneliness that moves the heart at last to God. Is it what moves us to become whole.
-David Kidd
-David Kidd
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Maturity
I started reading this short "quote" series on Christian Maturity by James Packer, I love it. I just wanted to share. While I like to think I a "mature" on some points, I am a total Kindergartener on others. I originally had been sending these to Maya day by day, as she has expressed so much excitement about her spiritual growth since she's been back from CIY. I'm encouraged with great joy to see her discover God's love for her; it's amazing. I thought these would be really relate-able for her, but also found them to be pretty universal for all of us, no matter the age. Hope you enjoy as much as I did.
The first mark of Christian maturity is the ability to deal constructively with reality, to face facts, to not cover up reality or call it something else, but to deal with it as it is. Mature people do not kid themselves.
The second mark is, adapting quickly to change. We all experience change, whether it be physical, at work, in the family, or whatever. I am amazed at how much some people change through the years while I remain exactly the same! Immature people resist change. It makes them nervous. But the mark of maturity is to adapt to change because change is inevitable.
The third mark of Christian maturity is freedom from the symptoms of tension and anxiety. The worried look, the frown, the ulcers, the palpitations of the heart - come because you are upset, anxious and worried. Maturing means you have begun to see that God is in control of this world. He is working out purposes that you do not always understand, but you accept it. He will take you through the deep water, not drown you in it. Maturity means you are learning to trust.
Fourth, it means to be satisfied more with giving than receiving. Some of you know that the joy of Christmas is not getting presents, but giving them. To see the joy in someone else's face when they get something they either need or want. That is a sign you are growing up. You are discovering the true values of life.
The fifth mark is, to relate to others with consistency, helpfulness and mutual satisfaction. Maturity is learning to get along with other people, to be a help, not a hindrance, to contribute to the solution and not to be always a part of the problem.
Finally, Christian maturity is sublimating and redirecting anger to constructive ends. Maturity is the ability to use the adrenaline that anger creates, not to lose your temper and add to the problem, but to correct a situation or to contribute to changing the nature of the difficulty.
The first mark of Christian maturity is the ability to deal constructively with reality, to face facts, to not cover up reality or call it something else, but to deal with it as it is. Mature people do not kid themselves.
The second mark is, adapting quickly to change. We all experience change, whether it be physical, at work, in the family, or whatever. I am amazed at how much some people change through the years while I remain exactly the same! Immature people resist change. It makes them nervous. But the mark of maturity is to adapt to change because change is inevitable.
The third mark of Christian maturity is freedom from the symptoms of tension and anxiety. The worried look, the frown, the ulcers, the palpitations of the heart - come because you are upset, anxious and worried. Maturing means you have begun to see that God is in control of this world. He is working out purposes that you do not always understand, but you accept it. He will take you through the deep water, not drown you in it. Maturity means you are learning to trust.
Fourth, it means to be satisfied more with giving than receiving. Some of you know that the joy of Christmas is not getting presents, but giving them. To see the joy in someone else's face when they get something they either need or want. That is a sign you are growing up. You are discovering the true values of life.
The fifth mark is, to relate to others with consistency, helpfulness and mutual satisfaction. Maturity is learning to get along with other people, to be a help, not a hindrance, to contribute to the solution and not to be always a part of the problem.
Finally, Christian maturity is sublimating and redirecting anger to constructive ends. Maturity is the ability to use the adrenaline that anger creates, not to lose your temper and add to the problem, but to correct a situation or to contribute to changing the nature of the difficulty.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The lazy girl's guide to eh, whatever. Installment 1 of ?
So I went to the store today, loving the fact that I got such a good, close parking spot. You know, that spot that's RIGHT next to the handicapped spots, and close enough to the entrance to give yourself a mental high-five? It's a real rarity to get that spot--go me! It's hot...who wants to walk on the radiating pavement very far, right? So I went in, did my thing, and came out to unload my groceries into my Element, and to my dismay, I was in a dilemma. Do I take my cart alllllll the way back into the store, or ditch it on the sad patch of concrete encased grass, only to get funny looks from others as I hop the curb, so the cart boy can fetch it next time he's on the prowl? Eh, I'm in my 30's...who cares what others think--they've done the same lazy thing before! After all, the cart boys get paid to take that clever little cart-herder machine that creates a tidy line of nested wire-basket clones to wheel back into the store, right? I'm providing them with some job security, which is sadly, more than my friends left at ATT, have these days. Anyhow, close parking spots rock, having to walk your cart allllll the way back into the store, or hoofing it to the nearest cart return really seems to defeat the entire purpose of getting that sweet spot in the first place!
Don't judge me.
Stay tuned, more lazy installments to come...or maybe not. I dunno.
Don't judge me.
Stay tuned, more lazy installments to come...or maybe not. I dunno.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Love? Love.
Is there anything to be gained by confrontation and the airing of feelings and issues with people that we are in conflict with?
Wellll....I guess that all depends on the issue, and the person with whom you are talking. I have always been a huge advocate of the importance of honesty and communication, it's the reason my marriage rocks. When it comes to friendships and family, it's just not always that simple. The older I get, the more fascinated I become by human nature, emotion, ego, motives, depth, or lack of...I will say it once again, people are a trip! I find it interesting when you learn the "why" of it all. What makes people do the crazy things they do, or say. I am very analytical, and can sometimes over-think things to death, while at the same times, I also see things that others may not. It's kind of a catch 22 in my personality to be able to have the spirit of discernment, while also not caring to discern because of my need to understand and comprehend the why of things. Anyhow, I know that we are commanded as Christians to love everyone. Can this really be possible, I keep asking myself? Because if we are really honest with ourselves, there are those people that have wronged us one way or another that really hurt our spirit. It's hard to say, I "love" this person that hurt my child, or my husband, or me. Still, we are commanded to do this, and knowing that, brings forth our accountability to God. So I suppose I try to rationalize people's behaviors, in order to try to love them in some way. For instance, person X is unkind or rude to me, and seems generally unhappy all the way around. I could just say, oh well, this person is a moron... orrrrr....I can rationalize that person X is having a rough time and isn't really snubbing me, rather going through something of which I am unaware. If there is something I have done to create a negative reaction out of person X, then I also will examine my own behavior and adjust accordingly.
Now alot of people would say, who cares, right? Sarah, seriously, who cares!? Well, the thing is, God cares. And to be commanded to love one another is NOT easy. It just isn't. Now I, of course, love my inner circle of family and friends and even acquaintances 'til the cows come home, but to branch outside that, to really say I "love" someone I'm not too crazy about; well, it's tough. So how do I go around this?
I prayed about this last night. And with just that instant peace that comes with knowing you turned your issue over to God, I slept well. I awoke to this thought today: To truly forgive and walk in love is to let it go, and not talk about it again. So that is what I am going to do. There is no need to rehash pains, or to "communicate" in any way. Loving someone can be as simple as just wishing them well, and harboring no bad feelings for them. Does that mean they need to be up in your face, or having dinner at your home? Nope. Just simple feelings of kindness. That is sometimes the only way people will allow us to love them. Sometimes communication can be a tool of the devil, or a God given comfort spoken through our lips. But, I am learning that communication is not always the answer. If I allow faith to play it's part, it shouldn't really matter. God is so large, He sees through us, and knows our thoughts before they become our own. Through prayer and scripture all things ARE possible. I am working on "loving" those people that I need to examine in my heart. If for no other reason, than because it's pleasing to God. I may just need to love them from afar. ;)
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery", "Do not murder", "Do not steal", "Do not covet", and whatever other commandment there might be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself". Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Romans 13:8-10
Wellll....I guess that all depends on the issue, and the person with whom you are talking. I have always been a huge advocate of the importance of honesty and communication, it's the reason my marriage rocks. When it comes to friendships and family, it's just not always that simple. The older I get, the more fascinated I become by human nature, emotion, ego, motives, depth, or lack of...I will say it once again, people are a trip! I find it interesting when you learn the "why" of it all. What makes people do the crazy things they do, or say. I am very analytical, and can sometimes over-think things to death, while at the same times, I also see things that others may not. It's kind of a catch 22 in my personality to be able to have the spirit of discernment, while also not caring to discern because of my need to understand and comprehend the why of things. Anyhow, I know that we are commanded as Christians to love everyone. Can this really be possible, I keep asking myself? Because if we are really honest with ourselves, there are those people that have wronged us one way or another that really hurt our spirit. It's hard to say, I "love" this person that hurt my child, or my husband, or me. Still, we are commanded to do this, and knowing that, brings forth our accountability to God. So I suppose I try to rationalize people's behaviors, in order to try to love them in some way. For instance, person X is unkind or rude to me, and seems generally unhappy all the way around. I could just say, oh well, this person is a moron... orrrrr....I can rationalize that person X is having a rough time and isn't really snubbing me, rather going through something of which I am unaware. If there is something I have done to create a negative reaction out of person X, then I also will examine my own behavior and adjust accordingly.
Now alot of people would say, who cares, right? Sarah, seriously, who cares!? Well, the thing is, God cares. And to be commanded to love one another is NOT easy. It just isn't. Now I, of course, love my inner circle of family and friends and even acquaintances 'til the cows come home, but to branch outside that, to really say I "love" someone I'm not too crazy about; well, it's tough. So how do I go around this?
I prayed about this last night. And with just that instant peace that comes with knowing you turned your issue over to God, I slept well. I awoke to this thought today: To truly forgive and walk in love is to let it go, and not talk about it again. So that is what I am going to do. There is no need to rehash pains, or to "communicate" in any way. Loving someone can be as simple as just wishing them well, and harboring no bad feelings for them. Does that mean they need to be up in your face, or having dinner at your home? Nope. Just simple feelings of kindness. That is sometimes the only way people will allow us to love them. Sometimes communication can be a tool of the devil, or a God given comfort spoken through our lips. But, I am learning that communication is not always the answer. If I allow faith to play it's part, it shouldn't really matter. God is so large, He sees through us, and knows our thoughts before they become our own. Through prayer and scripture all things ARE possible. I am working on "loving" those people that I need to examine in my heart. If for no other reason, than because it's pleasing to God. I may just need to love them from afar. ;)
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery", "Do not murder", "Do not steal", "Do not covet", and whatever other commandment there might be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself". Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Romans 13:8-10
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