Step-mommin' it on the real

I don't write about my relationship with my step-kids often. It's a delicate situation in which, if you know me well, you know the deal, the drama, and the way we choose to handle our situation. If you don't, well, you see us on the outside, smiling in pictures, doing normal family stuff, attending church, eating out, going to a movie. Most of the time, it's pretty normal, but the reality is, step-parenting sucks alot of the time. Period. If I have to explain why, well, you might as well stop reading now. I often have referred to myself in conversation with friends as the "Betty Crocker" of step-moms, not because I am conceited, or just enjoy tooting my own horn, but rather, the fact that I care deeply, love even more deeply, and have been really pretty darn awesome to my step-kids through the almost 9 years I have been in their lives. Again, if you know our family, you know exactly of what I speak, there's no need to elaborate. I have known a few step-moms in the past that hate their step-kids and really treat them as if they are lepers in their own homes. This is not the case around here--in fact, that's laughable. I have other really kind step-mom friends, as well as visiting the "Second Wives Cafe" and the "Childless Step-moms" on-line communities, that remind me I am not alone, the things I am dealing with and going through are not specific to me. Universally speaking, most divorced bio-moms (but not all--wink wink) resent and are extremely jealous and competitive with step-moms. We are a threat. Did you know that? That we step-mothers are trying to replace you? This seems to be the common misconception, that if we actually love and form bonds with their children, that we are scary and evil and objects of gossip, negativity, and contempt. While I do love my step-kids dearly, I realize and respect the importance of their healthy relationships with their bio-parents. What kind of horrible person would I be to ever come between that? I'll tell you what: the perfunctory evil stepmother.
 Most of the time, I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't in my situation. So I throw caution to the wind, and know that deep down the children love me, and I love them, and that's enough, to heck with the rest. So what if my step-daughter has to hide our relationship from her mother and only text me sporadically then delete them, so mom won't see that we have been talking. So what? So what if she is scared to death to tell this woman her real feelings about her anxiety, church, me, neglect, and much much more. So what? That is where I finally am; Just so what... My step-son is a Mama's boy through and through, I am the devil to him most of the time for that very reason. Buuuut, we have our tender moments too, laughs, hugs, great conversations, I love you's and sweet little notes...and always have. He feels so guilty for loving me, and knowing that, I allow him to just be. If he wants to love on me he can, if not, that's ok too. Bio-mom and I will never see eye to eye. We are morally, spiritually, and mentally existing in two totally separate universes. This, the children know. I used to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was a kind person like I was, and just wanted her kids to be happy as she always claimed. The disclaimer there was happy with HER, at HER house. As time has gone on, I could cite innumerable instances of jealous, guilt ridden, competitive, juvenile, passive-aggressive behavior, using the kids as pawns and mouthpieces. What I came to realize is love conquers all. It just doesn't matter. As much as she tries, and many times succeeds, in sabotaging our family dynamic, I still stand behind love, kindness, genuine communication and the power of a praying step-mom. Sometimes I just chuckle with pity for her, other times I wanna throw things. What on earth did I get myself into?
So on the eve of Maya going into High School and little Noah going into 6th grade, the time, days, minutes, seconds, just seem so precious. They are growing up right before our very eyes, and I don't wanna miss the good stuff. The negativity I have learned to live with, and ignore. In the meantime, the children tell their mom what she wants to hear for attention, they throw me under the bus, and most times their Dad too. And we continue to smile and love them - no matter what. This cannot be taken away. The real Christ-like love we are all supposed to be showing to one another is unconditional. While I have not received unconditional love and support from my own biological parents, I have learned through that hurt that these precious children, bestowed to me by God, need our unconditional love and support. A great caring friend reminded me the other day when we were dealing with yet another scenario of outright lies spoken against us, that I can never relent on being who I am. She was so right on, and I appreciated her boldness and passionate plea--not that I was giving up anyway...ha. Sadly, there are things going on that we are aware of that are very sad, and knowing that; they need us even more. I will never be their mom, I don't want to be. I do love being their stepmom, it's a joy in my heart. It's hard continually being made out as someone you aren't, but I know that in the long run, goodness always prevails. I would not trade one second of this life. My stepdaughter told me when she was 10, in tears, in the middle of my bed, that she wished that I could be her mom. The sweetness of that statement absolutely brought me to tears, I assured her that I would love it if she was my daughter too. I also assured her that God gave her the Mom that she has for a reason, and her Dad too. I told her that I believe God allowed her to have a relationship with myself and her stepfather as a wonderful bonus. I did the right thing, as I could have never mentioned anything about her mom and that importance. I will never forget that conversation as long as I live. It was enough. ...And no matter whatever happens, I will always be their step-mom who loves them, unconditionally.

If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31


{sidenote: Maya just came out of her room, can't sleep and asked me if we could talk. She's very nervous about her first day of high school, we talked, I reminded her of what a beautiful, special kid she is...and to not shoot death ray looks to others (she does this to cope with her social anxiety, a natural repellent of sorts) and she will be fine. After sharing a bite of leftover spaghetti pie we agreed we will pray in the morning over breakfast about her day. She just climbed back up to her top bunk, and yelled, "I love you" to me in the family room...I love you too, Maya}